Sweet Seducing Sighs

...

I don't know where to begin. The darkness that consumes my very being has now taken a toil on me. My breaths are shorter. My smile has dwindled. My mind has left it's peace. Happiness is just that, a word...And it seems no matter where I turn or who I go to, I am alone. This past year has been hell for me. If I haven't been dealing with something medical related, I've been dealing with family drama. I am drained mentally, emotionally, and even financially.

Why must decent human beings suffer? What kind of God sits back and watches "his children" go through so much turmoil? Why did it feel like none of my prayers were being answered?...Because they weren't. It sucks having no one to talk to, because they might call you crazy. And what's worse is, you cannot talk to family, without them telling you to "pray about it." What if I've already prayed?...Then what? What if I got up and went to church every Sunday, but the problems still lingers? What if I asked Jesus for a healing, but I'm still wrapped in pain? Is the problem still my own, or is this "so-called" omnipresent being that supposedly "makes a way out of no way?"

I never thought I would reach this point in my life where I had to make a decision between my religious upbringing and my peace of mind. Four years ago, I would've condemned any and everyone who said anything bad about Jesus; however, times have changed. People have changed, and situations have changed. It's amazing how life experiences tend to shape and mold you into the person you are today...Now I look at Christians and I find myself getting angry. What the hell gives them the right to condemn anyone who doesn't share the same beliefs as them? Who gave them the right of passage so to speak, to send anyone to a fiery place, that's not even humanly bibical?

I've left religion for personal reasons, and I find myself asking these questions to myself daily...We live in a world not divided into black or white (good or evil), but shades of gray. Being religious doesn't make a person good, and another whom is atheist/other bad...At the end of the day, it's that person and how they were brought up. From early 2017, until now, a lot has transpired within me and my surroundings. Life has opened me to a new outlook, and has caused me to reach an epiphany. With life getting the best of you, it can be difficult to be so transparent with others, with the fear that they might judge you. These days, people listen to respond, instead of listening for an understanding.

I've been a car accident, I've had to have an emergency operation, my mom is sick, plus, I'm dealing with a toxic family member that's staying with us at the moment...Bottom line is I am drained.

Depression comes and goes like the days change...No matter how many times I put on some make-up and dress nice, there is still that emptiness that consumes me...Walking in all this rain makes it difficult to find sunshine...You feel as though you're in a dark room, as the walls are steady closing in on you...Or, you're climbing a mountain, and suddenly you're slowly losing your grip, hanging on to that one rock, as your fingers slowly start slipping...

If I am to be completely honest, I've thought about suicide, many days. Thought about the quickest way to end all the pain and suffering, and take away the hurt...Then something or someone stops me, however...Call me crazy, but in the midst of my hurt, it's almost like I feel something there to give me comfort...Just enough so I can carry on for another day. Though I'm no longer religious, I am in no way an athiest, though I respect them...I am in fact a spiritual being, and I do believe in something...Just not the bible. Whoever, or whatever at times comes to me, and gives me just the right amount of comfort I need to keep pushing...Keep motivating myself, and others. And in that moment I realize, if I did leave in such a horrific way, I would hurt too many people. How would my mom react? Who would raise my son? How would people move on without me?

This "energy" teaches me to question these things. It has helped me to see the bigger picture in life, even if it's for a moment...Though I don't believe in the concept of hell, I do believe hell is in the mind...People can suffer their hell right here on earth, by going through very gruesome hardships in their own way. Even if I were still into the church, and/or religion, it would be a very unjust god to have someone suffer here on earth, then burn in an afterlife, because they didn't live a "sinless" life...When you really think about it, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, and have done things we regret. The most important thing is to know your flaws and work on them. Your mistakes only become a problem when you never own up to them.

At times I've dreamt of escaping and finding my own nirvana...And hopefully one day soon, I will. I am filled with so many ideas, and words, but I need a creative outlet. I want to help people in my own way, by giving them sound advice...Maybe my life experience can help the next person. I don't believe none of us as human beings are meant to hurt all the damn time, whether that pain is physical, or mental...

"If your solution isn't working to your problem, it's time for a new solution."

                     -Jasmine