The Truth of the Matter

4. That Awkward Moment When...

October 2012

I walked into my office the next morning, my nose burning from the overwhelming cloud of Axe cologne spray and ubiquitous Bath and Body works lotion. I spread out the paperwork across my desk, turning on the classical radio station to soothe my nerves.

I was giving a presentation to small groups of students about the warning signs of stress induced depression, and even though I had years of professional and personal experience with the topic, I hated public speaking.

The blank faces staring back at you, no pity laughs at your ice breaker jokes because teenagers don't give two fucks about your self esteem, and if you let them they will build themselves up on the rubble that is your demolished sense of self and look down upon you from it. Being a teenager was all about finding yourself in the pecking order and the hierarchy; I wanted to be there to help with the fallout.

Not to mention the constant eye rolls because they obviously already know everything about the world and all adults are morons. It just takes some effort to show them that you care and that you trust in their abilities to be a decent person before they accept you and all of the wisdom that you bring.

Except for when slowly, one by one they trail into your office with downcast eyes and tapping toes, wanting a soul to confide in. That's when the nerves and frustration are worth it. When you help one kid realize that they are worth something. I may struggle, and I may hold onto a rugged and tattered hope, full of denial and constant questioning but it was still there and that's what mattered.

I never put on a false front because kids and teenagers were able to sniff out lies like bloodhounds. If you wanted their respect then you had to be open and vulnerable; two of the things I didn't succumb to in my personal life because I had to divulge so much within these school walls for these children. It was a way that I kept myself safe, and how I put up boundaries to keep my soul intact.

I may seem cold at first blush, but it was only to keep myself from bursting into flame from the panic and worry that constantly flooded my brain.

At the end of the day, I walked into the house with a bag full of MSG laden Chinese food and pints of Ben and Jerry's straight into Molly's room. 

She was lying on her bed with her eyes closed and legs hanging limply over the side. She had just came home from running a youth soccer camp in Virginia; whereas I had an easy time relating to the under eighteen set, Molly did not. She understood that she should help them, but she for damn sure didn't have to want to be around them for any longer than she had to.

I jumped on the double bed unceremoniously, the takeout containers jiggling dangerously with rice

"Molly!" 

"Hey lady!  I missed you!  Tell me about Quinn" she demanded, stretching out the end of his name. 

I relayed to her everything that had taken place in the last couple days as we laid out the food across the double bed. 

She stared at me with her mouth open dramatically

"Holy shit, did you sleep with him?" 

I shook my head vigorously no, not that I didn't want to. 

She rolled her eyes, using her pillow as a buffer for the hot container of sesame chicken "You have some serious will power, or you're stupid. Probably both. You're still going to date him, right?" 

I shrugged, twirling some lo mein noodles with my chopsticks

"I feel like I might like him, but I really worry about the age thing. Is it weird?"