The Truth of the Matter

8. A Little More Self Loathing, Please

February 2014
"Bad at Love" by Halsey

I was seated at my table in the back of the restaurant for Valentines Day. I didn't have a date but I did have a craving for a good spaghetti bolognese which is what was on the menu for the holiday. Even if I had been in a relationship with someone, I wouldn't have made a big deal about this joke of a holiday.

Truth had hated it as well, if only from the point of view of self preservation. I laughed when I thought about our only Valentines together, she had threatened me that if I so much as looked at a flower for her she would "kick me in the testicles so hard that I would choke."

I sighed, unrolling my napkin as Elaine brought over my bowl of pasta; she didn't usually serve customers, but she was feeling more sympathy than usual for me tonight.

She sat down beside me and pointed out the obvious

"No date?"

I shook my head. I didn't want to date, it took too much effort. And, I kept comparing the few lovely women I had coffee with, to Truth. It wasn't their faults, they were perfectly fine women. All with varying levels of education, success, and general happiness with life. Although, the same comment I got from them was "You could be a little more cheerful."

That just solidified that I wasn't quite ready to date. I didn't want to foist off any burdens on these women. They were just looking for love too.

I didn't want to lament that the last time I had been open and cheery, I had been pushed away and didn't feel like going through that process again. It wasn't their fault, it was mine.

"You're very handsome, you could have any woman you wanted. It's been six months" Elaine offered kindly, patting my shoulder.

"I suppose, but I don't want just any woman. I want someone who isn't docile. Someone who doesn't clamor for the surface of happiness, someone who I can just BE with..." I bemoaned my predicament.

"You're swinging for the top nuts when you should be grabbing for the low hanging fruit..." she suggested cryptically, or maybe blatantly before refilling my tumbler of scotch.

Every person has something to offer, but few are willing to dive deep into their emotions, or admit that they aren't happy with the ordinary, that they may have settled on something in their lives. I want someone with the same sense of objectivism that I had, who wasn't afraid of calling out the discrepancies in life.

Maybe that is what Truth was doing, admitting that I was mundane, and she wanted to seek more abundance and thrill. I couldn't blame her for that, but it still didn't sit well on my ego.

I wanted to be enough, but I wasn't. I would rather her seek her fill elsewhere than constantly trying to measure up and pour into her, neither of us ever feeling complete and eventually resenting each other.

"You'll have to search long and hard my friend. But, you let me know if you're willing to skim the surface a little bit and I will set you up in a heartbeat" Elaine offered in the way that a true friend would, half kindness and half sorrow for the pathetic state that you found yourself in.

This was a stupid holiday and anyone who participated only furthered the agenda of faux happiness. I dug into my pasta like a barbarian, a foul cloud of envy and annoyance hanging over my head.

"When you're through punishing your pasta, would you like to get a drink?" asked a voice, reminiscent of wind chimes.

I looked up to see a woman around my age smiling and laughing at my display.

"I'm afraid I'm not the best company at the present moment" I admitted honestly, self consciously wiping my mouth with the napkin beside my plate

"Me either. I got dumped last week. You look like you can commiserate. I'm Abigail Spencer" she complained and held out her hand.