At His Mercy

Part 9

6 years ago. .
I see him looking at me from across the room. He is one of the few Asian people on the course, he smiles and I smile back. He's good looking, I conceded. I didn't think I liked facial hair, but with his features he just looks edgy, all that dark hair and those broad shoulders- you can't deny it. I can see from his clothes he has a nice body, but there is something about his confidence that I don't trust. He is too sure of himself. He's wearing a baseball cap and a tight t shirt which seems a little too 'attention whore.'

Its the following day, as I turn up to the lecture hall that I see him slip into the seat next to me. I'm so surprised, I decide to ignore him. Perhaps he'll get the message nice and clear.

At the end of the lecture, as I'm putting my laptop away, he turns towards me, introduces himself. 'Hi, Adam' he says and waits. He holds onto his bsckpack straps and shifts his weight from foot to foot.

'I'm Aya' I say whilst still packing my stuff away, in the overtly polite manner that communicates clearly I'm not interested, just being polite. 'I have to go, I'll see you around' I say and leave quickly. He looks stunned and a little dumbfounded. But doesn't stop me or say anything.

It's the following week and 5 lectures later that he finally turns to me and asks me out. 'sorry, I'm not interested in dating at the moment.. . .' then as an after thought I add 'I'm a muslim, I'm not really supposed to be dating really.' I figure with a name like Adam, he may be christian or Indian and will understand that he's crossed a line and back off. Instead he laughs, runs his hand through his hair and says foolishly 'neither am I.'

'Okay,' I laugh, 'then why are you asking me?'

He doesn't reply, just smiles uncertainly  and from under hooded eyes says ' I don't know, I just think we're gonna be good together.. . . '

We're not going to be good together, mostly because I don't like the way he looks at me, or the way he listens really carefully when I'm talking. I don't like that he seems to be trying too hard. It's awkward. He's clever and when we revise I feel like he's trying to impress me, which he does, but his interest is obvious and I can't help but pull back a little. It isn't comfortable when I'm with him- as friends should be-and I try my best to avoid being alone with him. When he asks about revising together, I always wait to see who else is coming before I commit.

Then one day he stops me as I'm leaving the library and asks ' Why won't you go out with me?' His request is so earnest I decide to give him a break and be honest.

'Because, I'm just not that type of girl, sorry. I'm not girlfriend material' he looks at me bizarrely and I continue because I know it sounds weird. 'I'm not the kind of girl that fools around. . .' The words sound lame even to my ears. 'My mother trusts me and I just don't want to get distracted. . . . and let her down. ' I know it sounds lame and I know I sound like a prude, but the other alternative is that I have to tell him the full truth - that I've worked all my life to get here and I won't jeopardize that for a fling. No man is worth jepodising my career over, especially so early into the course. He should know what I'm talking about, he tilts his head and nods.
'old school?' he smirks
'Yeah I'm afraid you're gonna have to marry me if you want to see what's under my bed!' I laugh- confident that we're finally clear about this. .
"Ok-ay then. . " He adds and then laughs nervously. I'm grinning as I walk away. Adam is easy on the eyes and actually beginning to grow on me. He's actually funny in that dry sense of humour kind of way. But he's a major player, he loves making the ladies laugh and his relentless pursuit of me is evidence of that. He's just too much of a player to be tied down.
I leave knowing we're gonna be good friends now. He thinks I'm looking for the 'real thing'-if that isn't a turn off, I don't know what is!

6 months later. . .
It's Friday, I barely recognise him as he walks up to me. He's had a shave and looks really good, with his chiselled jaw. He's wearing a strippy shirt and jeans,not his normal trackies and t shirts.
'How do you feel about gambling?' He smiles confidently, as we come face to face 'cause all I need is just one chance' And that's when he pulls out a ring box.

Even now I can't say why I did it. I wasn't fawning over him, or desperately harbouring a desire for him to sweep me off my feet. But I just looked at him and knew these things don't happen every day. Perhaps i am a gambler at heart. Because I smiled and said ok as if it were the most normal thing in the world.
That evening, we go to the local mosque. I need 2 witnesses but have no one. In the end, 2 of Adam's room mates offer to say they're cousins or some such thing. The truth is I don't actually have a male guardian. So I would have a real problem anyway. I know I should ask my mum, but she's not well. And if I'm honest, deep down, in those early days, I didn't expect it to last. I thought we were having a fling. If it ended so be it. It was just a way for Adam and I to see each other.
Its not a real marriage, unconventional at best. we both know that.

I never stay over because I have to get home and we usually just do things that a normal couple would in the early days. we get to know each other. We talk and laugh and hold hands and kiss.
Adam seems happy with that. Although it isn't what he's used to. I know he was seeing some dentistry student called Alexa at the beginning of the year.
Sometimes I see him looking at me with such affection, I feel my chest expand with joy.
Before I know it, he has me. We are sharing inside jokes, communicating in gestures and subtle glances and I'm finding that I actually enjoy being with him. Ok in fairness it's more than that. I find myself waiting to see him, even in those dark days with my mum puking her guts up and deteriorating ; Adam is my escape. I long to see his face and just have a piece of normality. He looks after me, feeds me and makes me smile. Helps me revise and when I'm tired hugs me. He makes my world better. And despite everything, he makes me feel like I can cope and I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders alone. I don't have to have my shit together all the time and that's ok too. With him around I am more mellow.
We never really speak about my mother and that's ok because some days he just looks at me and knows I need to be looked after.
He talks about his family more.he has younger sister, who is 14. He speaks of her with affection but doesn't seem to know much about her. A month before her birthday we are in town shopping together. It turns out he doesn't know anything about her other than she likes mangos.
We buy her a fancy notebook and pen, gilded with gold leaf.