At His Mercy

Part 24

We're all broken.  All a little tarnished from what we've been through. This sadness is like the remnants of dye from a brush in a glass jar of water. It's stained our lives and colours the way we see everything.

I think about the feel of his hands around my throat.  Deep down I wanted him to squeeze and squeeze and squeeze till this pain I feel- will stop. Anything is better than this. 
I want this ache in my chest to stop. This vacuum inside to stop imploding.  The crushing pain.

Talking to the ghosts within these walls, whispers echoing in the silence of my mind.  I seem to be lost inside. numb. Shadows seems to fill this hollow shell. Perhaps Adam's loss now is greater, because I could never forget his kindness, his love when he left.  The memory of us was so beautiful I lived in it for a long time. now he is here, I see how he has changed -I can't pretend anymore- we are finally lost to each other. 

Alone, now my friend. He is beyond my reach.

We sit in silence on the verandah. Ami ji leans over and holds my hand. I feel the tears well in my eyes, my chest hurts, it feels like there is a lead weight on it. I swallow the tears, trying to gulp them down. Lonely has become my friend.  it feels like an open wound, I thought I had healed, but I can see that all this time there was nothing but scar tissue which had mangled in a stubborn mess around my heart.  My head is throbbing.  why are all those feelings, which I had compartmentalised now being flushed out into the open.

When I was at my lowest, I was able to disconnect, now it seems there is nowhere to hide. we sit a while there and all I can think is that  I've lost Adam. really lost him.  I put my head in my hands and lean forwards onto my elbows. 

5 years ago. . . 

I sit  in silence staring at random posters about meningitis and flu jabs on the wall.  'I don't understand . .. ' I whisper.

' 8 weeks.' She says '-I can see this seems like unexpected news. . . .  its a lot to take in. . . I have the number of a helpline if you need to talk someone. . .  you've just had some huge news, you may need time to take it in. . .  or we can arrange for you to speak to someone here.'

' - but I thought- I've been feeling a little bit down. . . ' I mumble. 'maybe, it could be because of. . .' I look back at the gp ' .. .I'm at uni.  . . I've just had exams. . . .' I try to explain.

Her face is empathetic 'I'd like you to come and see me in a few days. . . ' she says a gentle tone.

But all I can think about is Adam's  angry face before he left. 

Present day. . . .

Ami Ji is stroking my back and pulling the hair away from my face.  'It's ok beytah. . .' she tutts and looks away. 'Men!' she says with what sounds like regret.

I have a sister, a mother in law and a husband.  A family. But I've never felt so alone in my life.  I know I'm being selfish. I'm living in a mansion, in the lap of luxury and am treated with a veneration that few people have the chance to experience. I should be grateful for everything I have, but I can't help the heavy feeling which has settled in my chest, when I think of the past and the agony of uncertainty at not knowing what is really happening to me.

'Be in the moment.' I focus on my breathing.  close my eyes and try dissipate the fog in my head. I open my eyes slowly and look to the left and see the stunning layers of flora and fauna in front of me.  The vibrant palate is like inhaling something that makes me feel high immediately.. I take a mental picture of the garden and tell myself I am lucky to be sitting here in the midst of so much natural beauty. I take hold of Ami-ji's hand and kiss it then hold it to my chest.  the physical closeness is a reassuring force in this moment.  'stay in the moment' the calm voice in my head says. 'don't dwell on things you have no control over, you cannot change the past. . .acknowledge that worry will not change the future. . .'The thought helps centre me.