At His Mercy

13

I wake up to an empty bed. My body aches, muscles stiff, I stretch out my arms above my head and point my toes. Flexing my calves. But even with my body feeling tender to the touch, there is something comforting about it

5years ago. ...
We're lying in the bath together. Our feet hanging out. His legs are definitely too long. It feels strange to be cramped in his tiny bathroom. So perfect to be together in this way. This happens in the movies. moments of absolute bliss. Adam's head is back against the edge of the bath, I lean back against Adam's chest.my head on his shoulder. His arms around me. We just fit. Occasionally he turns his head into mine and kisses me on my temple or shoulder or winds his arm around me to stop me from slipping lower. Inebriated by the love making we are both sedated. And the warm water just helps us drift in and out of consciousness.
It's cold outside, but in here we are cocooned together. The water hot, limbs entwined. This bubble of pure happiness is all we need. I don't think about the fact I'm going to have to leave soon. I just find myself imagining this is how it will always be. It's always like this. After our love making we seem to fall into this comfortable daze. Content in each other's company.

'Stay!' He whispers, sluggish. God I wanted to. But I'm expected at home, have to relieve the care worker.

But I did leave, in a cloud of ecstasy despite the shrill December wind, bitingly cold. Floating all the way home .

Present day.

Now as I look at the tumbled sheets, I can see things couldn't be more different. Gone are the days when we languished the feel of each other. The longing for it all to continue. When being together was comforting, easy as natural as breathing. Being with him was like having an extension of myself.

How could our relationship have changed so much?how did we change so much? We are so lost -like strangers. Despite the physical attraction- which I doubt will ever diminish- we seem to be completely at odds. A part of me mourns that loss. those people who were so in sync with each other. so at ease, that it was difficult to see where he ended and I began. In those months it felt like we were one. He completed me. It hurts to even think of it.
When he left, a part of me died.

I didnt know whether to cry or laugh, I would suddenly remember moments that we shared. Moments that were so perfect in every way. Like the time he sat opposite me in the library, his warm gaze over the top of his book- that look haunted me for months. Him sitting on the floor in front of me, kissing my hands as if I was the most important person in his life. Lying on the grass outside the library, holding hands under the endless blue sky talking about who was better the stereophonics or Red Hot Chillpeppers. I was fine, then I wasn't because when the memories came they were like being punched in the solar plexus.

That was when my anxiety started.
I remember the exact moment I was coming back from a lecture. (5 years ago)

I was sat on the bus and as it stopped at the traffic lights I looked up and saw the building where Adam used to live. I counted up the floors until I got to the 6th floor, 3rd window from the right. The light was on. And it occurred to me that someone else lived there now. My chest hurt and I swear my heart broke in that moment. I felt like I'd been hit by a sledge hammer. All that time, I had been holding on to some hope somewhere inside me, that he would come back.

It was like that quite a few times. I would sit in the lecture halls, the second seat from the end- was I waiting for him? In those first few days I would sit outside the student union. How strange, it was always Adam who waited for me, now I waited. I kept migrating to our spot in the library. it was completely illogical.

I think of last night and how we never spoke a word, except perhaps the one time he said my name. For the first time, I don't care what he thinks of me. I did it because on some visceral level we both needed the release, nothing's changed.

I think of his hands in my hair, the feeling of having his arms around me, the strength and muscles, which I've missed. My mouth is dry at the thought. 'It's Adam!' I remind myself. 'It's Adam-' I repeat as a mantra. I don't know why this makes it ok to have behaved in this way. It was inevitable. But he was a drug then and could very well become an addiction again.

As I look at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I am shocked with what I see. My lips are swollen, cheeks flushed, bed head. I look like I've been well and truly ravished.

Adam, Zara and Ami ji are sat on the veranda, having breakfast when I come out into the garden. 'Beytah!' says Ami Ji, as I go to her- to hug her. immediately she holds me at arms length. She knows, I can tell. She nods at me and smiles at Adam who is reading a paper completely ignoring everyone. Zara is on her phone. they're more similar than they think. I smile. Adam looks up suspiciously noticing it immediately, his eyebrows furrow.

'I said to let you sleep,' he says returning his attention to his paper, clearly irritated, then to his mother '-you need to have a word with Ashi' Ashi is the maid, the one who came to wake me yesterday.

'Adam said you had trouble sleeping, you were too hot- is the AC not working again. . .. .' Ami ji asks, I look across at Adam in disbelief. He ignores me but I see his lips curl ever so slightly. Amy Ji is still talking about the technician and the AC, but Adam is too busy not listening to her and trying hard to stay indifferent to my glare of accusation.

'Actually I was working hard to remedy the problem you bought up yesterday' he says, putting down his paper and standing up.

Zara feigns a gag of disgust.

'I'll see you later!' he says as he gets up, folding the newspaper- in his business voice and serious face. He doesn't even bother to look at me. 'We're going out tonight. I have a meeting with investors, be ready at 7!'

Out? Investors? What problem? What is he talking about? And then it dawns on me- like a lead balloon my heart sinks.