summer ardor

part 1 | intro

MAMA ALWAYS WARNED ME ABOUT A CERTAIN TYPE OF BOYS.

With their slicked-back hair and smiles, beckoning you to come in, to get lost in those eyes. Mama always said that no matter the amount of sweet nothings they whispered in your ear, they still thought they were too good for you. I was only five years old at the time, not knowing what she meant or what she was talking about. I was just too busy playing with my dolls, dressing them up with only the best dresses I had.

I LOVED DRESSING MY DOLLS UP ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVED IT WHEN MAMA DRESSED ME UP. 

And Mama took a drag of her cigarette, slowly blowing the smoke out. I was mesmerized, the smoke all tangled up with the beautiful sunset, strawberry sky. I heard some bells, and I whipped up my head. There drove a beautiful car, so sleek and black, with its windows down and music blasting. A small group of boys and girls sat within it, they couldn't have been over 17, their voices heard over the loud music. The boys smiling at the girls, as if they were enjoying the joke.  And the girls, their giggles filling the quiet, peaceful night. And when they passed by, I looked over at Mama.

MAMA HAD TEARS FALLING DOWN HER CHEEKS.

I instantly got up. "What's wrong, Mama? Are you ok?"

I crawled in her lap, and let her hold me. 

And she whispered softly,"Oh how I wish your Papa would take me and drive me around like that. Like when we were so young and naive."

MAMA NEVER TALKED ABOUT PAPA.

And she continued, "-like when we were in love, infatuated with each other." 

She took another long drag of her cigarette. Mama looked down at me. "Promise me, darling. You'll never fall in love. You'll never fall in love with one of them boys." Me, being the silly five-year-old i was, i giggled and said, "Of course, Mama. Anything for you."

MAMA TOOK ONE LAST DRAG OF HER CIGARETTE, AND SHE SMILED A SAD SMILE.

Oh, Mama.

How I've disappointed you.