Thicker Than Paper

Anxiety

Nauseating and corrupting. Chains and shackles. Fear and rage. Anywhere and everywhere. My hand shakes, the crane falling lightly onto the water. Wind pushes it far, way to fast. Gone in the speed. Gone before I can say goodbye. Anxiety tells me this is everything. Everyone will leave me eventually. I sit on the shore. I don't want to go home yet.

~~~

I don't really like the rain. I love the smell, and the droplets on the leaves, but nothing else. Not the sound, not the water. I hate being in it, I hate after it. Everything soaked and gooey. I just don't like it. So when it begins to rain, before baseball practice, I sit in my car.

The pounding of the water on the windshield hurts my head. I have practice in ten minutes, at Broker field. But I'm not going. Not because of the rain-not entirely. I went to every class after first period. Only one person asked where I was. I told them I slept in. nothing else happened.

When I had gotten home from school, my mother was watching a mystery show in the living room. She paused it and stopped me on my way upstairs. 

"I've scheduled an appointment with the nurse practitioner to talk about your medication. We go on Wednesday.  I think- we think- you need a change. I've also found a new therapist for you to talk to. You have your first meeting on Friday. You'll have to skip baseball practice."

"Ok," was all I could think to say before I go up to my room. All the knives and scissors and the lighter are gone. I figured that would happen. 

I take in a deep breath, let it out shakily. I feel as though I can't breathe. I sniff and wipe under my eyes, desperate to wipe away any tears that had dripped on my cheeks. I don't know why I'm crying. In the student parking lot half an hour after school ended. I sit there in the hot, cramped car, just sitting. 

I must think, though, I must focus. Where do I go? Somewhere no one else will be. Imagine that, Phoenix Weather's crying. I bet I look like shit, so I flip down the visor to look in the mirror. I was right, my eyes are red and puffy. My whole face is pink and my lips are in their frown. I slam the visor up, mad suddenly. Why can't I be normal? Why do I have to be so fucked up?

I've never had a reason to be like this, I've had a completely normal life. The statement rings in my ears, like an alarm. No, I haven't. You can't be normal when your depressed. Always have, always will. It hurts, being so naive, yet knowing everything. Knowing how it feels to be so fake. I sniff, putting the key in and turning it. Hard. 

~~~

"So, what exactly has been going on?"

I'm glad I haven't reached age yet. It meant my mom still had to come with me to most things. It seems childish, in retrospect, needing your mom there for things like doctor appointments. But, she was a buffer. Talked when I didn't know what to say, remembered exactly what they said, gave me someone to be within the waiting room. 

"Well, I think his depression has just gotten really bad," My mom looks at me, then back at Lee'The man who prescribes me anti-depressants, "He is always holed up in his room, has missed baseball practice, his grades have dropped a little-not bad. still A's and B's. I just don't think he much motivation, and he seems cranky more often. He's started to cut, and burn himself. I just think his current medication isn't helping anymore or making it worse."

Lee nods his head, clicking something on his laptop. I wring my hands. Not looking at my mom. I can't bear to look at her. I wait for him to say something, anything to break the silence. Lee's office consists of a desk, a couch with way too many pillows-and a couple soft chairs. I always sit on the couch.

"And what do you think, Phoenix?" I wiggle on the attention.

"I mean, I'm more depressed. I haven't been sleeping very well and i just don't really have any motivation to do anything."

"Well, yeah. That's pretty big," He nods and I could tell he's trying to lighten the mood, "So, I think we could all agree that changing your medication needs to be changed. The higher dose didn't work, so the next best thing is something new."

My mother and I nod.

"Also, recently I've noticed he never really focuses on anything for very long. He just seems constantly distracted. He mentioned that to me a little while back, and I guess it didn't exactly concern me. But, now that we're farther in the school year I can tell he's really struggling," My mom's not wrong. I've barely been able to turn anything in completed or on time.

Lee nods again, "So for that, we can always try something like Adderall, which is a longer lasting, longer acting stimulant very commonly used for ADHD and ADD. As for your SSRI, we've tried a few things in the past, all that hasn't really worked. There's a couple option, but I think I want to try Lithium. Has anyone in the family tried Lithium?"

My mom nods, "Yeah, I do. And my mother uses to be on it."

"Ok, good. I know its commonly used for Bipolar disorder, but I think it would be the best option for Phoenix right now." We all do a collected nod. 

"Great. so I'll send a prescription for 600 mills of Lithium a day- you can take it all at one or split it into two because they come in 300 mill tablets. Adderall, I think we should do 15 mills before times you need to focus. Like in the morning before school. Or before a big test. Studying. Those things."

With that, we start all over. All the nerves that come with starting new medication amplify. Everyone watching. I have to be happy. I sure hope I become it. Happy.