I can't love you too deep

Please. Stay.

,,You're not coming. End of the discussion." Dad says and turns around to check the guns again. ,,You need me!" I remind him, and he knows that it's true. They'll need everyone that they can get when they'll face Negan and his people. I tried to talk to Dad a thousand times, tried to tell him that there are other ways. Of course, he didn't want to hear it. But if it has to go his way again, then I wouldn't stay behind. I need to fight with them to make sure that they will be okay.  ,,We need people here as well, Carl." Dad's voice is determinant and I know that he won't change his opinion. I can't believe that Dad wants me to stay here and play the babysitter while there is a war to fight! ,,But Dad.." I start again, but he quickly turns around and gives me a death stare. I return his gaze with the same sincerity. He should know that I'm not a child anymore, he can't tell me what to do. ,,You're staying here." Dad's tone is a warning, he's serious. ,,You take care of our people and of our home. We'll handle Negan. This is my last word." He takes a step back and wants to leave. And I decide to let him. He won. Again. I could beg, scream at him a little longer or try anything else, but he would always find a way to make me stay. When Dad leaves the door he walks straight into Enid. She greets him with a little smile and enters the room. Her face has no expression when she leans against the door frame and crosses her arms in front of her chest.

I have seen Enid often like this, especially before I got to know her more. It's obvious that she's excluding me. She did that a lot of times since we arrived Hilltop. Something has changed and it bothers me, because I have no idea what's going on. I return her gaze and wait to see what she's doing. After a few more seconds that feel like forever she finally says: ,,You know, your Dad's right." Her words are causing me to lose my tense and get confused. I thought that she would blame me for something or say...anything but this. Enid is still looking at me the same way but I'm pretty sure that my look has turned into something between confusion and anger. I really don't want to argue about this with her, too. When Enid sees my expression she starts to explain: ,,You are just able to walk again." This time I sigh. I'm so tired of people looking at me this way. Like I'm weak. Like I need to be protected. With clenched teeth I answer: ,,I'm fine." I regret it immediately that I talked to her like that. But I'm just so sick of all this. There is a war going on, and we have to fight, but they won't let me.

,,A few weeks ago we thought you wouldn't be." Enid looks at me like she's trying to tell me something more than she can say. But I can't read her thoughts. Now it's her turn to sigh and slightly shake her head. ,,We need people here, Carl. We need to protect this place. Your Dad is right." Her voice and her eyes are softer now. I still have the feeling that there is something that she won't tell me. ,,It's not his choice." After I say that it's silent for a few seconds. You can hear voices from outside, but they don't matter. We just stare at each other. I don't even know why Enid brought all this stuff up. She barely talked to me the last few days and now she wants to discuss something so...random. This girl is so confusing. To be fair, she had never been easy. I wasn't either. Who would be in a world like this? And maybe I like Enid exactly for this. She found her way to survive all the stuff that was going on but I hate it that cutting me out is obviously a part of this strategy. I always thought that it could be easy between us. We both been through a lot. This is the main reason why I started to feel comfortable around her, I guess. Because I knew that whatever was wrong with me, she would understand it. And I always felt like I would understand her, too. Right now I have no idea what her problem is.

Enid pushes away from the wall and takes a step closer to me. My Body is already reacting to it and is looking for closeness. I noticed this feeling a few times in the previous days. It all started when we first kissed. I didn't even know why I kissed her in the woods. Or did she kiss me? Back at this moment it probably didn't mean much. Looking back now, it feels like we crossed a line on that day. A line that has always held us back. Held us back from whatever. Even though I'm still confused with all my...feelings, my body isn't. Whenever we get near he is practically telling me what he wants. And obviously this is to be close to Enid. But right now I deny his wish. I just stay were I am and wait for her to tell me what her problem is.