Where There is a Flame Someone's Bound to Get Burned

Dying to Feel Dead

Izzy
"You guys are from Guns n Roses right?" the blonde with the perfect tits squeals over the loud music. "Yeah," I tell her, "I'm Izzy."
"I know!" she says excitedly. She's pretty, little and blonde and young with big blue eyes and a pretty, red mouth and perfect tits in a black crop top and mini skirt. This one I wanted and I knew I would get her too, probably within the next half an hour. She'd give me something to think about for a little while besides how much I'm still hurting without Slash.

If I was completely honest with myself I'd admit that I was fucking dying without him. But I'd never be able to forget what I saw. Even if I forgave him there would always be this lingering doubt in my mind. But even that doubt couldn't be as bad as the pain of not having him. I was too fucking proud to admit any of these things to anyone however so I lived in absolute misery that may have been partially self- imposed by my refusal to even listen to anything Slash had to say about what happened between him and Axl. I couldn't even speak to him. Not that he knew that; he thought I was just refusing to speak to him.

I secretly wonder if Slash would even take me back at this point. I've been a real asshole to him but I see him looking at me sometimes with eyes full of anguish and I know when I see those eyes that he still loves me. I still love him, I love him more than anything which is why I was dying inside without him. I was dying on the outside too. I did way too much smack, probably had numerous STDs from fucking chicks I picked up in bars every night and drank a lot and ate very little. I had lost over ten pounds since Slash and I broke up and I rarely went outside now so my skin was as white as a sheet; the contrast between the color of my skin under my eyes which was dark black and purple. Classic junkie looks.

I purposely turn my thoughts back to the pretty girl standing next to me at the bar. "Can I buy you a drink honey?" I ask her.

"Sure!" she answers. "Just an amaretto sour, nothing too strong."

I signal the bartender who quickly hands me the drink. I turn and give it to the girl. "So what's your name?" I ask her; not that I really care.

"Gina," she says. This is my friend Heather," she tells me and gestures to the girl next to her. Duff comes strolling back from the bathroom and I introduce him to the girls. He buys Heather, who's a hot brunette a drink. I ask Gina to dance and she grinds her ass into me all evening on the dance floor. I finally get a chance to pull her into the back hallway and ask her if she wants to go outside with me for a smoke. She grins and follows me out the back door. I pull her into the doorway of the Chinese restaurant three doors down that's now closed and dark and bend down to kiss her pretty red lips.

She kisses me back and soon I'm holding her up against the wall; those perfect tits in my hands. I move my hands down and under her hips pulling the tiny pink thong she's wearing out of the way and sliding a finger inside of her. She's soaking wet for me and she groans quietly when I touch her between her legs.

"Do you want me babe?" I ask her as my thumb grazes over her clit.

"Yes! Yes I want you!" she pants. I unzip my pants and pull my cock out of my pants. I hold her up and thrust into her gently. She gives a tiny cry and I quiet her with more kisses. Fuck this feels good. She's really wet and really tight. I moan into her mouth. I start to fuck her slowly, gradually increasing my speed as she gets hotter and more vocal. I whisper all kinds of shit into her ear about how pretty she is and how good she feels. It's all true but it's all a line too. I feel her body start to tense up around my cock which makes her even tighter and I can't help letting out a groan of pleasure. She smiles at that and I fuck her a little harder. A gasp escapes her and her body tenses even more. Thirty more seconds and she grips my hair and my shoulder hard and moans into my neck as she cums hard around me. Her orgasm brings on mine and I groan out my pleasure into her pretty shoulder.

When it's over I gently lower her back onto the ground and kiss her again. She smiles up at me and I grin back. We straighten our clothes and head back into the club. The bouncer, Stan, gives me a thumbs up behind Gina's back when we come back in the door. I do this almost every night now and Stan always rates my chicks. This one apparently scores well with him.

I find Duff and Gina's friend sprawled out on a couch in the back of the club and ask him if he's ready to go home. He's wasted so he just looks up at me and laughs for whatever reason. I haul him to his feet and we say good night to the girls who give us their numbers and we start walking home. People are all over us on the street though so we duck into an alley after dodging a bunch of fan girls and continue home in the dark. I'm getting a little tired of getting mobbed everywhere we go. It's great to have the fans but not so great to be treated like a piece of meat people want a hunk of!

As we're cutting through our neighbor's back yards on the way back home I catch sight of movement ahead of us and hear someone retching in the bushes. As we get closer I see that it's Slash who's on his knees puking. My heart drops into my feet; I want to stop and pick him up off the ground and take him home but I force myself to keep walking. I toss my cigarette onto the ground in front of him and snort disgustedly as I walk past him. Duff stays with him and I fight the urge to turn around and make my legs keep moving.

Slash has been every bit as miserable as I am but unlike me he shows it a little. His eyes, which we almost never see now are eternally sad. There's no joking around with any of the other guys like there used to be. He's high most of the time and a lot of the time drunk on top of that. Duff, whose bedroom shares a wall with Slash's says that he cries himself to sleep some nights. I know that he's started fooling around with Axl for real now if he wasn't before too. But if you ask me it seems like he's not so much fooling around as letting Axl do whatever Axl wants. Duff says it doesn't sound like reciprocation when he hears them through the wall, it sounds like Slash has just given up and let Axl have his way. This becomes even more obvious in the weeks to come as their relationship is no longer a secret. They fight all the time, and I mean ALL THE TIME! If Slash wants to eat Axl says he wants him to sleep. If Slash wants to drink Axl takes his bottle. If Axl wants to go out and Slash doesn't or vice versa all hell breaks loose. It's just constant and Slash always gives in so that the argument stops. When the violence started I don't know; I just know that the sight of Slash being bruised up became commonplace and starts to be really strung out all the time. He starts passing out in different places downtown, starting fights and getting thrown out of clubs, and when he does come home he's so fucked up he can hardly walk or speak. I guess it's his escape from reality and his feelings. He's killing himself slowly in an effort to feel nothing. So am I; but I stopped caring if I was alive or not the second he broke my heart.