My Double Life

Old Commitments, New Promises

I think back and can't remember a time I have ever been scared as much as I am right now. Ryan means something to me and I'm fine enough with it to admit it to myself. I just don't want to have to lie to him about anything. He's a friend, sort of, and it feels good. I've never had a friend before.

But friends aren't suppose to scare you, are they? I've been shot at, held prisoner, tortured. I've dealt with criminals who wouldn't think twice before killing someone. I've been in danger every day of my life since I was recruited four years ago.

None of that compares to the fear I feel right now, looking into Ryan's eyes, waiting for him to ask me his first question in an attempt to learn all about me.

 "Why did you move to New York?"

 "I got kicked out of my last school. Thought New York would make for a fresh start."

 "What? I can't believe you got kicked out. You're such a smart person. And I can't picture you ever being violent otherwise Tinsley would have been knocked out the first day of school." He chuckles and it's cute. It's different than when Checkovsky did it. I know he's not being mean or condescending about it and that makes me happy. Although it does kind of irritate me that he doesn't see me as someone who can kick ass. I guess he'll just have to learn over time just how violent and tough I can be.

 "Whatever. Why are you lying about the football thing?"

 "My parents want me to do it so I do it for them. Besides, my grades aren't that great..." He looks a little bit ashamed but I don't bring it up. "At least with football I can try and get into a really good college or something."

 "Aren't your parents rich and famous though? Can't they just buy your way into a good college?"

 "I guess, but I want to do it on my own. How did your last relationship end?"

 Crap. How do I respond without making me look like an untrusting bitch? My ex's words, not mine. "He thought I was cheating on him. I wasn't though. There are just some things about me that I don't share. Don't ask what they are though because I won't tell you."

 "Aw does somebody have trust issues?" I could tell he was trying to cover his hurt with a joke, even if it was partially true.

 "I wouldn't say I have trust issues exactly. I have troubles trusting people but once they prove themselves to me I have no problems letting them in. And I don't push people away just because I don't want to allow myself to trust them. I just let things fall where they fall."

 "Well... I guess I'm just gonna have to prove myself to you then." He smiles a cheeky smile and we both start laughing.

 We keep asking questions for a few more hours but nothing heavy comes up, mainly just school stuff and friends. Or in my case, lack of friends. We talk about our families; him about how his parents aren't home a lot because of work, and me lying and saying mine live in the country side and I moved out when I turned 18. It's easier to tell a lie than to tell him that I got my parents killed.

 It's late so I get up to start cleaning up some of the beer bottles.

 Ryan walks up next to me and elbows me in the side. "This was fun we should do it again sometime."

 I turn away to hide my face from his. The pain is excruciating. I can't let him know anything is wrong though, how do you explain a huge bruise on your abdomen to someone? I tell you how, you can't. I quickly tell him "yeah", not trusting my voice to say anything more.

 "So, I guess I'll be going now. See ya tomorrow Kaya."

 "Ryan! Wait, you can stay here tonight. It's late and you don't have your car. I can swing by your place tomorrow before school and you can change."