My Double Life

Realizations

"Did you know you have a tiny scar on the back of your neck?" I was laying on my front as Ryan rubbed circles around my back.

"A scar?"

"Yeah. It's kind of star shaped I think."

"Oh that? I think it's a birth mark or something. I've had it for ages but I don't think I've ever been injured there before."

There was a moment of silence as I began to rethink what I had said. Did I slip up? I had to admit that my guard was down but I've never accidentally said anything I shouldn't have before. Does he know my secret?

"There before? Are you saying you've been injured a lot of other places?" I could tell he was just joking but every muscle in my body tensed. Less than 24 hours and I would never see him again. I'd be off trying to figure out the secret my parents kept from me. The secret my agency thinks I already know about. The secret that could change my entire existence. I have no time to be worrying about keeping my own secrets. "Hey, I was just joking. You can keep your mysterious life mysterious. You'll trust me enough to tell me one day though. I'm gonna wear you down Kaya Kingsley."

He flashed a smile at me then and for a brief moment, a very brief moment, I imagined myself doing just that. Letting him in. Being with him. Having no more secrets between us. God what that would be like! To finally be free of all the stress and worry. But that's not my life and it can't be my life. I can't be selfish like that.

The hard part about realizing my parents may have faked their deaths isn't even that they are alive and were able to leave me. It's the loneliness I've suffered that I didn't need to. My whole way of thinking for years has been based on the idea that knowledge of my life leads to dangerous situations that could lead to death. Maybe I worried for nothing though. Maybe knowledge of who I am could be perfectly safe. I'll never know now. My parents took that away from me. They made me into a person who can't trust; who can't be open; who is alone in the world. I'll never forgive them for that, and that scares me.

Whatever moment I had with Ryan can't continue. It's too late to change my though process now and although some part of me thinks I could keep him safe, I can't risk that. I won't risk that.

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"So, I know we aren't official or anything, but this doesn't have to be awkward."

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Kaya. I can tell when something is weighing on someone's mind. We're almost to school and you haven't said a word the entire time."

"I'm sorry. It's just that I have a lot to think about right now..." I trail off because I really don't know what to say. This whole thing was stupid. I never should have let myself become attached.

"Look, this wasn't just a onetime thing for me. I like you, and I know you like me too. If you aren't ready to be serious, I can wait. I mean, we are still in high school. It's not like I'm proposing to you so relax. Let's just have fun and see where this takes us, okay?"

We pull up to school and I immediately get out of the car without saying anything. Sure Kaya, you can take down multiple armed assailants but you can't get talk to one teenage boy. Life sure does make a lot of sense sometimes.

What makes even more sense? That these special exit exams I had made for me would be taken in those classes. Not alone, privately, in some room somewhere where I could easily leave afterwards unnoticed. Oh wait, that makes no bloody sense at all!

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I was about halfway through the day when I finally had to stop avoiding Ryan. And that's only because we have this class together. Otherwise I'd probably have kept avoiding him. What do you say to someone who just poured their heart out if you know you have to break it?

"What the fuck is this about you leaving?"

"People are watching you righ..."

"Jeezus Kaya. Do you really think I care about other people right now? Were you always planning on leaving?" I could only stare blankly at him, frozen and unable to say a word. "When did you decide? When did you decide to leave?"

"Just before... just before our date. That day actually... I didn't know how to tell you Ryan. You have to understand where..."

"Understand? You want me to understand? I knew you were a flake but I never thought you'd flake on me. Why did you even agree to the date? Why did you sleep with me? You think I just go around sleeping with every girl I see?"

"Too many questions. Too many questions that I don't have answers to. You're right, I shouldn't have gone on that date with you. But I'm selfish. For once in my life I decided to be selfish. I didn't mean for that to screw with you, I just wanted to do something for me. Something with you, for me. Does that make sense?"

"Not at all. You're still planning on leaving right? Then it doesn't really matter what you have to say. None of it matters."

"It all matters, Ryan. I'm doing this for you as well!" I could tell he was confused by this but we didn't have time to talk more because the teacher arrived and gave me my test with a look that told me to shut up and begin.

I was about halfway through the exam when my phone rang. This probably wouldn't seem like much except that I destroyed my phone back at the lake so no one would be able to reach me. Everyone looked at me which is normal when someone's phone goes off in the middle of class. Normally this would just be an awkward and embarrassing moment but I couldn't stop the frightening chills that ran through my body as I dug the phone out of my bag. Someone had been near enough to me to put this in my bag without me noticing. Was it just a school pranks? Or my parents? Or just a case of mistaken bag?

I braced myself before looking down at the caller ID. Confusion ran through me before a sudden wave of realization hit me. I knew this number. 

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So, this chapter is shorter than I wanted but I'm happy with it. For anyone that writes on microsoft word before uploading on here, you know my struggle! This chapter came out to be just over 2 pages on words, size 11 font. It always gets so much shorter looking and condensed as soon as I upload it onto Wattpad.

Anyway, I want to thank you for sticking with my and this story. I know it can be difficult to wait for uploads!

-Natalia :]

P.S. Song on the song is my current obsession. That and Weightless by All Time Low but I thought the one I included fit the story better.