Will Never Be Her

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A decade of serving the Corps alongside Erwin, and another decade of serving him. It wasn't a surprise for Hanji to feel something more than acquaintance and mere comradery to him for how long they've been together. The first 3 years she have known him in their military training years it had been a combination of jealousy and admiration feelings for him.

 
Erwin Smith was the class prodigy, earning him first place in the 3dmg maneuver gear, leadership skills, and strategy tactics. All in all, he was the valedictorian of their batch, with Hanji as the salutaturian and being the Mind of Theory.
 
 
At first she discarded the fluttering of her stomach everytime he smiled at her as skipping her breakfast (and lunch, sometimes dinner). It was a valid reason though afterall she does always forget to take care of her needs reasoning that she can't waste a valuable time she could've spent on studying explicit contains of the restricted studies of titan anatomy.
 
 
But when she started to feel conscious as to how she look every time she sees him, Hanji started to worry. She felt like she was sick, or maybe she was? But she shook the idea as foolish, she was always healthy as a child, she rarely got sick and the very rare cases that she does, it was just mild, a simple cold or fever not lasting more than a day.

 
She checked up on a physicist the day she started to stutter in front of Erwin though.
 
 
But the physicist only laughed at her, saying the word cute, and she was infuriated, because she can barely sleep thinking of her squad team leader, who she even have a hard time talking without looking like a stupid idiot, which she prides herself to be absolutely NOT and all she got is a laugh? The physicist told her that time will come and she will know later on. She asked again when is that later? But no, the woman laughed again and Hanji almost punched her in the face, but decided not to instead, not wanting to come back to her mad self again,
 
  
So she decided to ask her other team mates and comrades, she regretted it in the end.
 
 
Nanaba suggested she check the books in the medical yard(but she already did so nope), Lynne laughed at her saying 'aaawwwww!', Rico gave her a long long speech regarding 'I am not in love with Ian!!!!' And Hanji wondered why she even listened to her when what she's saying is a truly different topic from her problem. And it was bullshit since Rico was blushing all the way. Mike didn't do anything to be subtle about his laughter, he guffaw, chuckled, laughed, grinned like a hyena who gone all cuckoo.
 
 
The later came to her though when she saw Erwin with Marie. She was walking down the hallway, almost running towards Erwin's room. She was overwhelmed with happiness and very excited by her first test with their new acquired titans, she wanted to share it with him, and ask for his perspectives.

 
She didn't expect to see him kissing Marie...not one bit.
 
 
She stood there eyes wide, and her heart wrenching. She stiffened and her body froze, it was suddenly cold. Not like outside cold but winter cold, where the cold seeped through your body and slowly freezes till to your core, the pain eating your insides, till you're immobilized.
  
 
"I love you Erwin" Sweet Marie's voice said, voice as smooth as silk and as soft as cotton. Hanji gulped, the excitement and the happiness were slowly drowning to grief and despair, she suddenly lost the giddiness she had 2 minutes ago.
 
 
She braced her self
 
 
"I love you too" Came Erwin's deep voice, even if not seeing his eyes, she could still feel the emotions deep with in it. It was so full of love and sweetness, a promise's sweetness, something she wanted from him.
 
 
Something she needed from him.
 
 
Her eyes widened,...so that's why
 
 
That's why the physicist laughed at her
That's why Lynne gushed at her
That's why Mike keeps snickering at her
 
 
She was and still is in love
 
 
She was in love with Erwin, the guy she hated for many years and adored for the same years.
 
 
That's why....
  
  
That's why it hurts so much, she hoped, she wished she never knew, because maybe then it wouldn't be official, and if it isn't official she wouldn't cared as much.
 
 
Dang it
 
 
Shit
  
 
She was in love with Erwin
 
 
And she's standing behind the door listening to him say sweet nothing's to another woman. Wow...savage at it's max level. Her body began to tremble, and she felt it more in her lips, her hand automatically lift up to cover it. What did she expect? For him to suddenly know her feelings to him without her telling him?
 
 
No, it wasn't as easy as that, not that he will like her if he even knew though. What could she compare to Marie anyway? Marie, a red head with beautiful pale but pinkish skin. Porcelain face that looks like a goddess, body shaped like a swirling vase. Lips as red as her hair and eyes as green as their cloak. Marie was an absolute beauty, she and Erwin belonged to each other...so she was not supposed to be surprised when the two hit it off.
 
 
What could she compare to the beauty her self anyway? Her messy lock of hair? Her common brown eyes that holds no bright? Her eyes can't even see without her goggles or glasses as well. Who would even find her attractive when she has no chest to show nor a waist to swing. She was too tanned, and don't let her start with her personality. Too loud, and too joyous even finding titans as fascinating creatures. She was the very definition of the word weird, the personification of the word atrocious.
 
   
Abnormal
 

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