On the Ledge

Mental Cancer

SATURDAY 22:00

As soon as he arrived at Brad's place he fell asleep in his bedroom. Brad covered him with a blanket. Sam lost track of time and woke up at ten pm with Brad next to him, working on his laptop. Once Brad noticed he was awake his lips curled into a smile.

" You were sleeping like a baby." he ruffled his hair.
" Where's Haley?" Sam asked, yawning.
" She went home. She said she needed to have a talk with her parents."
" And your dad?" Sam asked.
" He's on duty." Brad put the laptop aside and turned to Sam.

" What were you doing on that laptop?" Sam beckoned to it. Brad followed his gaze.

" Oh, nothing special... Just writing a story." he brushed it off.

Sam raised his brows at him.

" You're writing a story and you think it's nothing special?"

" Well..." Bradley started.

" Come on, show me what you're writing." Sam encouraged him.

" I can't show you yet because I am not done yet. When I'm finished, I'll let you know." he said, his eyes gleaming with pride.

" Can you at least tell me what it's about?"

Bradley sighed.

" It's about a boy who couldn't accept his identity. A boy who stifled his personality in order to please others."

" Hmm... that sounds awfully familiar.." he gazed at Bradley pensively.  "Is it inspired by true events?"

Bradley smirked. " Yeah, a little."

They were silent for a while. Sam bit his lower lip.

" Listen.." Bradley started to say. " I hope you don't mind.."

" No, not at all."

" It's just that when I'm bored and usually when I can't sleep I tend to get creative a lot. Usually, I just draw but now I like to write."

" Yeah, cool..." Sam leaned on his shoulder. Brad planted a kiss on his forehead.

" I'm sorry for what I did to you guys. It was irresponsible."
" I'm just happy you're alive." 
After a long silence, Brad asked: " Why did you do it?"

Sam sighed. " I just had no strength to keep going on. I felt unworthy of life. Even though I knew I had you, I still didn't feel like I deserved you.." he said, swallowing a lump that had formed in his throat. " I've been feeling so numb for weeks now and I just wanted it to end. I wanted to cease existing."

" Why didn't you tell me how you felt?" Brad asked, caressing his back gently.
" I was afraid you'd think of me as weak. My dad's always raised me to be tough." he said, sniffing. " And I tried to be tough. I tried to endure it but I just couldn't." a tear fell down his cheek as he relived every moment of the last few months.

" Last summer we went to the seaside and as my family was in there, bathing, I just sat there wondering how it'd be to go into the sea and drown. I wasn't suicidal at that time. I was just... curious. But then I met you and such curious thoughts kept resurfacing more often."

" Wait, what?" Brad seemed surprised.

" I'm not blaming you for anything. Just the notion of me being gay seemed unbearable for me. I couldn't live with myself. I hated myself so much because of it. I never quite admitted it to myself but I guess I always seemed to be less confident than I wanted. Ever since I was a kid I never felt comfortable in my skin. I always felt like I was something less, like I didn't fit in. But I didn't let it show. I put on a bravado and tried to act as macho as I could, imitating the other boys. I always seemed more confident on the outside than I did on the inside. Your arrival just coincided with everything that was already going on inside me." he shrugged. "You were just a catalyst for a reaction that was bound to happen anyway. If not by you, then by another boy a few years later."

" When you're going through something difficult you tend to think that is the biggest problem ever. I'm not saying you're blowing things out of proportion it's just that you don't see the bigger picture when you're depressed." Brad said. "Depression is like cancer of mental health."

" I consider myself lucky to have a cure by my side then." Sam replied and kissed him.

" I love you." Brad said.
" I love you too." Sam confessed without hesitation.