suicide storys

pushing isaac away

*anther author no name is granted

Pushing Isaac Away

ANONYMOUS

Names have been changed.

Isaac has dark brown eyes filled with secrets and emotions. His eyelashes are long and when he looks down shyly it drives me mad. I fell hard for Isaac, but I blew it, and now I miss him.

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Though we went to the same school, we met on Facebook a few years ago. He wrote, “Hey I want to get to know you more if that’s cool with you. Maybe we can hang out some time?” This was at the end of the summer. I was becoming a sophomore and he was becoming a junior.

At first, we hung out mostly with his guy friends. Then he started offering to 

take the bus home with me, even though he lived nowhere near me. We would take walks near the river and listen to music on the bus together. I looked forward to seeing him: Our conversations sparked new ideas and perspectives. I felt like I had accomplished something after we talked.

My feelings toward Isaac confused me because I felt like I was wandering into unchartered territory. With other guys, I knew I should keep my guard up against heartbreak. But with him I had no guard up because I trusted him already as a friend.

He made it clear he wanted more. He would tell me that I was amazing and beautiful and that any person would be lucky to be with me. He would also say that I had more to offer to the world then I thought I did. Hearing that made me feel special. But I thought I wanted a bad boy. I liked smoking weed and listening to rock music; Isaac was more into softer indie and alternative music and didn’t do any drugs. There was a part of me that felt like I was going to end up hurting Isaac.

Though he seemed to have it all together, he had family problems that took a toll on him. His parents and his siblings fought a lot, and he tried to be the peacemaker. He rarely spoke about his problems to me, but when he did he seemed spaced out, with a faraway expression. I caught a glimpse of his depression, which he mostly hid from everyone.

Stronger Feelings

Over time I started to feel something more than friendly feelings for him. One of my favorite memories took place when we’d been friends for about a year. We got out of the subway in Chinatown and I took his hand as we ran across the street, wind on our faces, and almost got hit by cars. I started laughing when we got across the street. He was out of breath and looked at me and asked, “Are you trying to kill me?” I gave him a shy smile and said “Maaaay-be.”

“Well, I don’t want to die today,” he said.

I put my arm around his neck. “Hey at least it’ll be with me.” I smiled at him. We found a Chinese food restaurant, and I lip-synched “One More Night” by Maroon 5 while we waited for our fortune cookies. He was smiling and laughing at me. It was a look of amusement but I realized later that it also contained love for me.

His fortune said something like, “You’ll be someone’s cure.” When I opened mine, it said “You’ll have a cure for your disease.” I looked at him and we both smiled.

“I guess I’m your disease and you’re the cure,” I said.

He gave me a knowing smile and replied, “I guess I am.”

Even though Isaac made me happy as a friend, I was still suffering from loneliness at home. My mom was sinking into her own depression, and was not much of a mom. My grandmother gave me a lot of love, but after Isaac and I had been friends for a year and a half, she was diagnosed with cancer.