Freshman

Chapter 21: The Post

My mind was doubting itself.

It was like there was a war inside my head between my gut feeling and my conscience. It was a pandemonium in there, and I couldn't help but get a head ache.

Ugh, it's hard to face truth once you're already happy.

The fact that Jen and I weren't talking that much anymore, and Vans and I were talking for almost 24/7 makes me regret my life choices.

What can I say? Jen and I rushed it, and we never had the time to talk about it. How foolish of us to think that we had fallen for each other in only a week. There, we made the mistake of having a so called commitment to our relationship.

But we decided to go with the flow. Or maybe I decided that on my own. Then he must be facing the torture of having me as his girlfriend even though he doesn't have real feelings for me.

Vans was so sweet, and kind, and generous, and kind, and caring, and kind, and fun to hang out with, and most importantly; he replies back in chat. Haha, just kidding! I like him for him. He was a good friend, but I couldn't have him. He had someone else. He had Keith.

[Keith, from section 7B. A classmate of mine who is in the 2nd girls' group of the class.]

Jen was a horrible boyfriend, but I already have him.

See my predicament? I got a fine catch with Jen. Jen's absolutely my type. Smart, tall, funny, huggable, generous, talented, handsome.... And tan- but he doesn't like me back.

Meanwhile Vans is really sweet. He's so kind, understanding, loving, caring.... And tan.

God, what's up with me liking tan guys? It's a weird habit since grade school.

Jen's the kind of guy I wanna marry someday, but Vans was the kind of guy who likes me for who I truly am. But we can never happen, never. Never.

I was in a fit of turmoil.

Grrr, this is all Jen's fault! If only he didn't get so cold and made me doubt him, then maybe I wouldn't have faced that situation.

Woah! Wait....

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

I just had a brilliant idea! What about asking him myself? No, no, no, that's way too desperate. I gotta keep it in a low key.

Hm? What about I post a question publicly on Notebooking? That way, it won't be obvious that it's meant for him.

There's a chance that he might not reply, but there's a slight chance that he will. Better take the risk. It wouldn't be life without living it to the fullest, right?

I thought of a question that will make me see if he still cares for me, despite the fact that he's still ignoring me.

From my present point of view, I was plainly stupid at the time and was being irrational. Like I had said earlier, oh how I'd love to burn my days of regret to the ground and never remember them ever again. Better yet, I wish they had never happened!

But I have to remember these moments of regret, and I don't have to regret those bad things that I've done before, you know why? Because if I hadn't done all of those things, I wouldn't be where I am now. Plus, I need to tell lovely readers like you that's why I have to remember every piece of detail even though it kills me inside.

Ouch.

Going back, where were we? Ah yes! My question.

It was a simple question. Very common among troubled teens. Movies were made to solve this subject in question.

If I'd die, would you even care?

That simple yet powerful question. OMG! OMG! OMG! Here it goes! The worst regret I made in my Freshman year next to being Jen's girlfriend.

Once I clicked the post button, I had never expected the following events to happen so quickly, much less my plan that'll eventually backfire on me.

A moment, a mere ninety seconds at most, tuntunanan! He unexpectedly replied, along with Hasha. With a simple answer of 'I'd care' to my question, 'If I'd die, would you care?'

I don't know why, but butterflies had filled my stomach. A bubbly feeling inside me wanted to burst. This feeling called kilig.

Oh God, that felt amazing to know. He still cared, but it'd be better to know why.

I was about to talk to him on Messenging when suddenly, as in literally at that moment, my mom bursts in my room holding her phone. I could vaguely see Notebook headers on the screen.

"Arianna Nemuyco!" She yelled at the top of her lungs. "What in the world did you post?!"

She pointed at the screen and now I could clearly see it. It was my post.

Shit.

I knew this would happen, I remembered it from the back of my mind, but why didn't I stop myself? Why?

I don't know.

My mom. My mom was the scariest thing I could imagine. She was my fear, she was my pride, she was my joy, she was my sadness, and she was my everything. She was my light at my darkest of times, but she was also my shadow that kept on following and holding me back.

She scolded me about the post. I saw her face so distraught. She was so disappointed at me, I wanted to tear up, but I know that wouldn't do anything but show vulnerability. I hate showing her my tears, because she'll only yell at me more.

At that time, I never got a chance to say sorry only because I know she wouldn't accept it. I wanted to ask for forgiveness so badly, but she would call me a child for fixing my problems with a simple sorry. What life has God given me? A tough one, that's what it is.

My mom is difficult to approach, but is there by you whenever and wants what's best for you. I can only see that now.

I-I couldn't help but feel so alone in those times. So trapped.

My mom told me I was attention seeking, I was so flirtatious, and maybe I am. I am flirtatious. I am attention seeking. I am me, and that was me. I couldn't change that. I can't go back in time and change everything. If only I could, I will.

Regretting so much for something simple that could've been done by simple courage. I could've just asked Jen, or maybe I could've ended us at that very moment rather than torturing myself and involving a lot of people.

Yes, there were a lot of people who were rather affected not involved. My mom especially, she had a reputation at work, and here comes her seemingly suicidal daughter posting stuff like these. I was so stupid. I am so stupid.

I hate seeing my mother so so angry and sad.

I haven't slept peacefully for countless nights thinking about it.

I got my answer, but I also got a consequence in return. And such is life full of regrets.

The end of this chapter.