Broken // Zayn

Chapter Forty

40:

{Zayn's POV}

"I'm sorry." I apologized when I had another random outburst at innocent people. Niall and Louis sat in front of me with bland expressions as if they knew it was coming. I ran a hand through my hair before breathing steadily.

Louis was the first to say something. "You need to sleep. Clearly, you're taking the crankiness from your lack of rest and your anger at yourself to lash out on people who didn't do anything. And it's been a week." he told me.

He was completely right. Ever since I found out that Perrie was planning all of the incidents that have been happening to her, I couldn't seem to get Holly out of my head. Nothing wouldn't remind me of her; for example, tonight during our last Take Me Home Tour concert, someone threw their bottle of water on stage and that reminded me how Hollister never drank soda because it was too fizzy for her stomach and it made her burp. Or when we passed the Italian food restaurant and I remembered on her birthday when we had the best time eating lasagna and ziti together. I saw an ad on a billboard about a medical thing, which reminded me of ointment, which reminded me that Holly needed in order to keep her rash away. I know she's been gone for a little over a week but I just want to see her again, hug her so tightly, and apologize.

"I'm sorry, you're right." Basically, I ended up the same way this whole mess began; sleepless and single.

I stood up and walked to a different part of the tour bus and laid down on my side in my bunk. I held Holly's journal in front of me, keeping it closed. She left it behind when she threw her tantrum, her completely necessary tantrum. I don't even know where she is at this point and I don't know how to give it back to her. She might still be in Texas like how I heard it over the phone.

The curtain opened and I saw Harry. He wasn't much better than me. The only difference between him and I is that we love her in two totally different ways. "Hey, mate." he greeted me. I think he feels especially bad because of that one time they got into that argument and he told her that she was just like her mom when in reality, she's a billion times better and stronger than her mother.

"'Sup." I answered.

"Are you okay? I heard you yelling."

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm hungry. I'm cranky. I'm tired. I'm guilty. And I sort of hate myself right now. "I'm fine." I shrugged.

Harry sat down on his bunk. "No, you're not. Don't try to fool me." he said. "Tell Holly how you feel, I'm sure she'll feel the same way."

"I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"She hates me." I answered. "When she blew up on us, he specifically told me that if she ever had any sort of feelings for me, they're gone because I ruined it. She doesn't want to see us again and I'm not going to make it worse for myself." I told him. I wish I could just go back in time and stop myself from going back to Perrie. Holly is the one that I want and it's been that way since August.

"Guys!" Liam called us. We all strolled into the kitchen area to see him looking at something on his phone. "Holly was with her mom and then she found her dad recently."

"Her real dad?" Louis looked at the phone. There was a picture on Twitter with a caption that said, '@HollyMiller: I missed my daddy :)' and the picture was of her and a tall man with blonde hair and blue eyes like hers. I could tell that they were related since they were similar but from an old picture that I once saw in her diary - it was her as a baby when she was first born with her mom holding her and her dad smiling - she looked more like her mom, even though the photo was from when her parents were sixteen and seventeen. They were smiling in the picture and I could tell that Hollister had been crying. The post was from four days ago.