Hope and Hysteria

Small Numbers

I will start this off by stating my deep belief that people, being so intelligent and all, can be thought of as vectors with different functional properties. By the end, you'll be just as convinced as I am that there's no real reason for me to be here. When I say "here," I mean alive. Before I delve deep into why I shouldn't be alive, I will give a description of what a vector is.

If math isn't your strong suit, that's fine. I'm using it as a medium to communicate my own intrinsic worth, explaining how my own features are all undesirable or completely useless. You don't need to read this intro if this is already something you understand.

I ask you to see my thoughts for what they are and understand them, so that it won't be a surprise in the future if I end up hanging myself. At least I can explain why.

Now, onto the mathematical proof.

A vector is a thing , like a number, but a little more complex: where a number only has one property about it, which is the quantity that it is (a little confusing, but just means that the number 84 has one property about it, which is the fact that it has a magnitude of 84). Vectors have two properties, which in my opinion makes them much more interesting. Whereas numbers only have a magnitude, or a certain scale to them (which is why they're technically called 'scalars,' a vector has magnitude and direction. The way this works, generally, is that a vector would have a couple numbers that describe where it is in reference to different dimensions. These dimensions, for sake of simplicity, can be thought of as directions in space that are perpendicular to each other. In the world that most people live in, there are three dimensions of space: length, width, and depth. For some other, more smarter people, they think that there's about 9 to 11 dimensions of space. I won't really complicate things any more than they have to be, so let's stick to the comfortable 3 dimensions of space for now. Having that idea of vectors being numbers with a direction or orientation in mind, think of what that might imply when discussing the differences between a set of vectors. With scalars, they can differ in magnitude, and with vectors, magnitude and direction. Every vector in a set might have the same magnitude, but they could still all be different because they point different ways. Going beyond the scope of spacial dimensions, as I will deal with mostly non-spacial dimensions, think of representing any given property of something by those original directions each way in space. Say we assign the number 1 to the colour orange, and 11 to the shape of a sphere, then a -1 for the colour brown and -11 for the shape of a box. If we put 1 and 11 together, that vector might represent something similar to my favourite fruit (an orange), and -1 and -11 would represent something that I would love to make spaceships out of as a kid (a cardboard box, maybe). If you looked at the way the vectors pointed with respect to each other, they would be pointing in totally different directions with different magnitudes because the properties that each vector represents are the same, so they exist in the same universe as each other (shape-colour-land), but go in totally different directions, even when they have the same properties. Now, take that idea of using vectors to represent properties and apply it to people. How many properties a person could you represent with a dimension of a vector? Lots. A large amount of lots. If you took the vector of one person and compared it with the vector of another person, would they be the same at all? Definitely not, there is a lot of variety out there, and almost a guarantee that each person's vector is one-of-a-kind. Now, you might be able to look at everyone with their aspirations, failures, heights and widths, shapes, psychologies, all of that stuff, all chalked up to one highly complex vector. Everyone has different walks of life, and different abilities. Some abilities, or very specific dimensions of each vector are valued in society over all others. These select few vectors associate with the person's ability to talk to other people, predict the future, work hard, and get lucky. Of course there are not only four vectors, but a vast collection that amounts to those general categories (note, this is not the same as me saying that they exist in the same dimension, that is totally different). What magnitude and direction of each person's vector, I believe, depends on chaos and genetics, where everyone is influenced by their surroundings and their intrinsic nature. It's not something anyone can control. This is why I believe that the vector that I possess is not one that goes in any of those desirable directions, and one that is not of great magnitude, either. This is something I have observed for a long time, or about 16 years. I'm 20 now. Statistically speaking, I am a quarter way to the end of my life, if it is not taken sooner. I'm writing this because I think it might be, and perhaps in a future nearer than anyone's possible suspicions, including my own. For the past 14 years, I have thought of my wrong directions and small magnitude, or my 'small numbers,' as being a burden on those who have better vectors than me. I believe everyone who has good vectors to take advantage of their good fortune, and get the most out of their lives, mostly because they can. Good vectors connect to what is desired by an economy, including industrious and creative habits and abilities. Again, I have neither of those. My "stats" all thrive in the useless places. Therefore humanity as a species would mathematically benefit from my not being alive, as any of my antics will most likely be non-industrious which does not benefit the species. As long as I'm alive, I'm slowing people down. This book is meant to sum up my life and my experiences, so that not all is lost if I end up taking my own life some day. I have learned that I cannot trust myself with staying alive.