Monty After Dark

Chapter 31

Thursday was my birthday. I had been panicking about it all week. At my appointment with Shel, he asked what my plans were.

"Going with Carts and some friends to have dinner," I said.

"What about your girlfriend?"

"She'll be there," I replied coolly.

"Did you give any thought to what we talked about last time? About your relationship?"

"I don't think the reason I feel the way I do has anything to do with my mother. I feel the way I do because she's a really good person. She loves me for me, she thinks I'm worth loving, and I really can't say that about anyone else. Definitely not the broads at my school or the puck bunnies who come to our games. Those girls only like me because of what I am ... I'm like .. a commodity."

"And you don't feel you're a commodity to your neighbour?"

"No, I don't. She treats me like a person. She actually bothered to get to know me. She asks me things, and remembers when I tell her. If I was only wanting to fill a void, I'd keep doing what I was doing before, which was wheeling every dumb broad I could. Even my dad noticed that I don't constantly have girls coming by. I'm not drinking all the time, and I'm actually a lot less angry. So, if you want to label my relationship as 'unhealthy' in some way, because you think there's no possible way a girl like that could actually love someone like me, that's your prerogative. All I know is that I finally feel something other than anger, and I'm not going to just let it get away."

"And what are you going to do if she leaves?" I felt like I got kicked right in the bag. I wanted to throw up everywhere.

"I don't need to worry about it – she's not going to." I started having this awful flashback to when Chan disappeared and I was begging Carts like some pathetic little kid whining for him to help me. "We have plans. She's taking me to Montreal to see where she grew up. Her friend from work is going to help me find my mother." I hadn't meant to tell Shel that last bit, but it just came out. I hadn't told the guys, either. Nobody knew. Just Chan, the reporter and me.

"Your mother?"

"She might still be around, I figure my old man would've at least had the decency to tell me if she were dead. This guy is a reporter at the newspaper where Chantelle works, and he said he might be able to help me track her down. I'm not even sure if I really want to meet her," I admitted.

"Why not?"

"She didn't want me. She left my dad and me. I can understand her wanting to leave him, but since she obviously knew how awful he is, and she didn't bring me with her, the only reasonable explanation is that she didn't want me. I spent my whole life feeling like I'm not good enough because of her."

"How do you know this?" he asked in a calm voice.

"I don't. I never think about her, because I can't imagine how someone could just walk out on their kid and never look back, especially leaving me behind with my dad, knowing what a ... piece of shit he is. He's not a good parent. He can't even take care of himself, and she left me there. I was 5 years old."

"Was your dad ... the way he is now, when your mom left?"

"Oh. Hm. I don't actually know," I said, thinking on it. "I was too little to really know, I guess? He tried for the first little while. I remember him taking me to the Kindergarten to meet my new teacher, but I don't remember much else. Mrs. Murphy would come pick me up sometimes."

"Do you miss her? Mrs. Murphy?"

"Every day. She was a great lady. I think she had always wanted more kids, and she had no more Mr. Murphy, and her son moved to Toronto after a while ... I think I helped her just as much as she helped me. After she died, there was no discussion of what we'd do now, my dad just went back to work, the same as he had before, except I had nowhere to go, and no one to take care of me. I figured I'd just get through the rest of high school, and go to school for hockey or lacrosse somewhere far away. Or maybe play junior for a few years here or in the AJHL or something."