A Basket Full of Bats

Dinner with the Waynes

Bruce sat all of the kids down the next day to talk including Carrie. They were in the cave in casual clothes. He explained that Stephanie had volunteered to take over feeding Richard and that it was something that could be misinterpreted as Bruce taking advantage of Stephanie so it wasn't to be talked about. Like vigilantism it was helping in a way that not everyone would agreed with.

Damian who had been teasing Stephanie about being a human cow all day, asked for no pardon but switched to other insults without another word. The bat family were well versed in secrets. Batman expected absolute compliance without question when he asked them to keep something secret and the family meeting had been held in the bat cave so though not all of them understood why Bruce wanted the secret kept they would say nothing.

"Bruce?" spoke Jason. "I don't understand why it would be anybody's business."

"The world is full of self absorbed unthinking interfering idiots," replied Damian. "Catwoman has never be able to properly lactate. They quality and quantity of her milk has always been inadequate."

"She may have been able to, if she hadn't given birth so early. Her body wasn't ready," explained Bruce because the last thing he wanted was his children attacking Richard's mother.

Stephanie had thought it would be easy. She was wrong. Richard was tiny compared to,... well compared to what had to fit in his mouth. The nurse worked with her showing her tricks. Her shoulders and neck ached from holding Richard to feed and craning her neck to watch to make sure he was doing it right. Bruce paid for a massage therapist and bought a special pillow and stool that was supposed to make it easier. It seemed Richard spent almost all his waking hours trying to eat then spitting it all back up. It was very discouraging.

Almost overnight her breasts exploded in size until they were the size of small watermelons. It was painful and it looked absolutely ridiculous. The nurses explained that it always happened when a new mom's milk first came in and the engorgement would ease off in a few days. Damian took one look at her advised she not leave the house then walked away quickly, muttering that it was unfair so much ammunition and the target was off limits.

It seemed she spent the first week in tears: maybe because it was supposed to be natural and easy but it wasn't, maybe because she was just overtired waking at odd hours, maybe because everything hurt. The nurse explained it burned a lot of energy making milk and recovering from childbirth. Stephanie felt like she was spending most of her day and night just sitting in the same chair. She would pump on one side while Richard fed at the other side. Bruce took every other night time feeding and one midday feeding.

At the end of the first week Alfred put out champagne glasses of orange fizz and served steak, garlic mashed potatoes and buttered baby carrots with apple pie and ice cream for dessert.

"What are we celebrating," asked Terry.

Bruce smiled. "Richard for the first time since he was born hit a weekly weight gain target. He gained 3 ounces."

"That's incredible!" exclaimed Tim hugging Stephanie.

Stephanie smiled trying valiantly not to respond with yet another round of hormonal and overblown tears.

"What's he weigh? Is he at 2 lbs yet?" asked Jason bouncing in his seat.

"He's got another 2 oz to go. There are 16 oz in a pound tell me what he weights Jason."

"A math quiz? Really Bruce?! You suck!" protested Jason. "Um so 16 plus 16 is 36 minus 2 is 34 no.. so 16 minus 2 is 13, 14 uh... 1 lb 14 oz?"

"Teachable moments for the very stupid," commented Damian dryly.

"He got the right answer in the end," protested Tim. "That's an 11 percent increase in body mass, for Bruce that would be like gaining 23 lbs in one week!" Tim calculated all the default settings for the grapple guns. He knew everyone's weight.

"Is 3 too big so fast," asked Cassandra alarmed.

"No it's perfect for him," reassured Bruce. "He's just been waiting for a chance to grow. They'd slow down the supplemental gavage feeding if they weren't pleased."

"Yo Brainiac," Jason called to Tim. "At 3 oz how many weeks till he's 5 lbs and we can take him for a ride in the Batmobile?"

Alfred swatted Jason on the back of the head with the serving napkin. "No basement talk upstairs Master Jason."

"Nearly 17 weeks or three months but I don't think it works like that. His weight gain goals are in 1/4 oz per pound so the heavier he gets the more weight he can gain in a week. He's got a tiny little stomach right now. If I were to extrapolate out an 11 percent weekly weight gain although I expect there is a reverse exponential curve in there somewhere..." Tim pushed up his glasses whipped out a calculator and was really getting into it now. Jason had developed a someone vacant dazed look and Bruce was trying not to crack up.

Alfred swatted Tim as he was walking past refilling champagne glasses with more orange fizzy. "No calculus at the dinner table Master Timothy." Alfred confiscated the programmable calculator and tossed it in with his collection of cell phones. When Alfie took a toy away you didn't get it back until he was good and ready. Three of the cell phones in his collection belonged to Bruce.