Momma

Part 13

I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell everyone that we lost Anna. Poor Lucas had to do it everytime, and every time he had to say 'We lost the baby',I see right when his heart breaks. It also hurts me to hear those words. The words that are referring to my baby girl.

The funeral is scheduled for Friday. And obviously we don't have her body, so what we are going to do is make a small, plain wooden box as her casket, and in it we will put ultrasound photos and my pregnancy test, and a outfit we picked out for her. What we are going to also do, is have permanent markers for people to sign there name on and/or write a personal message on it.

Lucas and I have both written a letter to her, and decided we won't read each others. It's more of a  personal healing for me, and I think Lucas too, because he suggested it.

We made the decision to put the box in the casket of whoever passes away first, and bury it with them.

Anyway, off of that sappy stuff...

Well, Maya is staying with us right now. As soon as it was confirmed that we lost the baby, of course, we told Maya first. She know that this would break me, and Lucas, so she asked may she stay with us to help us around, and we are so thankful for that.

Lucas has taken a month off of work, and his boss is just ok with that, saying take as long as he needs. I think Lucas said they lost a baby too, sadly.

I never thought I would have to go through this, but here I am at the age of 20, mourning the loss of my baby girl.

I'll never get to see her on her 1st birthday, or her 10 when she gets to the 'double digets',  or when she turns 14, and graduates 8th grade and starts high school, or when she turns 18 and leaves home and starts her own life.

I'll never see her when she opens her eyes, or when she starts crawling, then walking, and eventually running. O won't ever to get to see her start Kindergarten, then middle school, and high school, or college. I won't be able to her graduate from any of those. I won't be her shoulder to cry on when she has her first break-up, or I'll never get to see her walk down the isle to marry the love of her life. Lucas went be able to walk her down that isle. I won't ever get to see my baby live her life!

I constantly find myself mad at the world and everyone in it. Why did God have to take away my baby?! She was innocent! What did I do to deserve this?! Why did my baby have to die?

Oof! That one was hard to write, and read. and re-read. Ouch...

Anyways, I'll be leaving now...

 until next time -rileseleanor