So We Had an Affair: A Confessional

Breathe Pt. 1

"You have to tell him!"

"I don't have to tell him."

"He would want to know."

"I don't care if he knows!"

"Then tell him."

"I don't want to!" I shouted. Kendall, Candace, and Anthony were trying to convince me to tell Lin that I was harboring his child. Our child. I rubbed my belly that was beginning to protrude more. "Besides, I've been doing fine without him." They exchanged glances with each other.

"Y/N," Anthony came closer to me as he spoke, "You won't let any of us go to the clinic with you, but we know that things aren't going smoothly. You don't eat enough to support you and the baby. You have trouble sleeping. You cry constantly when you're alone. This isn't good for either of you. I think telling him will ease your mind."

"Anthony, you know I don't let you especially go because someone saw us go in that first time and totally blasted it online. I don't need you caught up in my mess."

"Look, if not me then why not someone else?" He said holding my face. I scowled at him and watched him deflate.

"So, your kid will never know their father and he wasn't even a terrible guy. Such a shame..." Candace said out loud shaking her head. It looked as if she didn't mean to say it but rather just think it. It was silent as everyone looked at her then at me. I sighed deeply.

"I wouldn't even know what to say."

I rehearsed for the thousandth time what I was going to say. Kendall reached out to Lin through a calendar invite and we didn't even have to wait a full hour before getting a response. Kendall and Candance set up a private lunch meeting at a hotel away from both our homes. It was a warm cloudy day, but I wore a long duster over my dandelion yellow romper to cover the evident baby bump that was growing on me. I was waiting on the balcony in hopes that the fresh air of the early noon would calm me down. It didn't. I felt like I was going to hurl my organs. I peeked at my watch. Ten more minutes before I see Lin-Manuel again. There was a knock at the balcony doors.

"He's here..." I heard Candace say from behind me. I turned my head slightly to nod but kept facing out over the balcony.

"Right this way." I heard Kendall say quietly then the door closed. It was silent. I knew Lin was there, but he didn't say anything. It was awkward. All the words I had rehearsed fell away and I hadn't even looked at him yet. His presence alone was screwing me up. I decided to defuse the atmosphere with our little game to see if he would catch on.

"Alexander..." I sang quietly.

"Hi." I heard from well behind me. It sounded like he was still standing by the doors. I smiled to myself. Of course, he knew which response to give. I felt tears build up in my eyes as I turned around and sang another line to see if he would catch on.

"Look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now." I untied the duster and let it fall open to reveal my bump. "Look around, look around..." I watched confusion then realization wash over Lin's face as he looked over my body. He moved closer to me keeping his eyes trained on my belly.

"How long have you known?" Lin sounded like he was about to start crying.

"About a month and a half." I said trying to hold back my tears.

"That's not the line." Lin chuckled through his tears that started to spill. "May I?" He motioned towards my stomach. I nodded. He placed a tentative hand on my stomach as if could burst like a bubble at any moment. He shook his head in disbelief then leaned forward and kissed it.

"I'm entering my second trimester... If you want a paternity test, we can go to my clinic have it done..." I said quietly.

"No, I can feel that this is my baby. Our baby. Three months? Damn... I want to be here for my child. Our child. It starts now. Whatever you want, you name it. As long as I get to be a part of both your lives, I'll give you both the world." He hugged me suddenly and gently squeezed me. We both let out tears fall freely.

"I've missed you so much!" I sobbed.

"I don't how I stayed away!" He responded. We let go of each other at the same time and launched at the other's face. I missed how it would feel when Lin kissed me with his hands holding my face to his. When we let go, we were breathing hard.

"I didn't plan that."

"I definitely planned it." I punched Lin's shoulder playfully but still kind of hard.

"There's one more thing."

"Anything."

"We have to tell V."