So We Had an Affair: A Confessional

Pillow Talk

"You will come of age with our young nation. We'll bleed and fight for you. We'll make it right for you." Lin sang 'Dear Theodosia' as we spooned on my bed. He was absentmindedly rubbing circles on my belly. It had been a rough for me. I had all the worst parts of pregnancy so far. I was always uncomfortable. My morning sickness had an appointment with me every morning. I had an aversion to most smells. I was really starting to show and soon wouldn't even be able to leave the house. People would see me and know. I don't know what Lin sees in me but if it's my looks, I won't have them much longer. The spidery veins of my stretch marks me feel horrendous. Every now and then, Lin's thumb would strum over my stretch marks. I started to cry feeling my insecurities rise up. Lin noticed immediately.

"Hey, hey, hey." He said sitting up, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing." I choked out.

"Y/N," he helped me sit up, "What's going on?"

"I said nothing." I wiped under my eyes.

"You're literally crying. You realize that, right? Or is this like a pregnancy thing?" He said jokingly but I started to cry more. "I'm sorry! I was just joking!" Lin hugged me close.

"Lin, I'm sorry I just— This pregnancy has been rough so far. It was rough before I even knew I was pregnant. I'm...I'm scared."

"What are you scared of?"

"Everything. The pregnancy. Vanessa. You. Us..."

"I understand being nervous about the pregnancy, but we will do everything to make sure our baby is healthy." He kissed my forehead. "And Vanessa is not someone to worry about anymore. In fact, she told me to come back with you after your appointment on Friday. Now what I don't understand is why you would be scared of me and us." He held my hands.

"Lin, I can't go out. I don't want to deal with the whispers and the looks. Vanessa is the victim. I'm the Mariah Reynolds to this musical. And you. You still have a family to take care of. I'm just messing up your family. I keep messing with your family."

"Hey," He took my face in his hands. "Screw anyone who thinks they can say anything sideways about you. I want to be here for the both of you. I will always be there for you both."

"I don't want people to know the baby is yours." Lin looked a little hurt. "At least, not while it's in me. My stress isn't good for the pregnancy."

"I understand. We'll keep everything inside: doctors, Lamaze, everything will be done with a confidentiality agreement. I promise I will take care of you. I'm not abandoning you." He punctuated his speech with a passionate kiss. We were breathless when we parted.

"Lin, I don't think Vanessa wants an open relationship. This won't last. I just... I just don't want to get hurt in long run..."

"Then let's not think about it right now."

"These are conversations that need to happen."

"They don't need to happen right now."

"So, when will they happen?"

"When the time is right."

"Lin, I--"

"Y/N, you are stressing yourself out. We can figure out the other stuff when you aren't eating for two!" I slid off the bed and went to the bathroom. "Y/N, come back..." Lin called after me. I closed the door and locked it right as his hand touched the handle. He knocked on the door.

"Lin, I don't know if you noticed but all I can think about now is long term because of this pregnancy. I'm not living for myself anymore. I've been throwing up or nauseated for most of this pregnancy so far so please keep avoiding all my questions."

"Okay, okay could you at least open the door?" I rolled my eyes but opened the door slowly. "I want to do whatever puts you at ease. What do you want me to do?"

"You can't ask me."

"But I am. I'll do whatever you ask."

"Whatever?"

"Anything." Lin leaned against the doorframe.

"Even leave your wife for me?"

"Ha! You don't mean that." He chuckled.

"You're right, I don't... Mostly."

"That's why I love you," Lin said pulling me to him then stroking my face. "You think about me before yourself. Even though I got you pregnant, you still are more concerned that my family isn't interrupted."

"You what?"

"I love you." Lin said with a shrug like it was normal that he just confessed his love to me. "I didn't scare you, did I?"

"No, I just think--"

"I loved you before the baby."

"Lin, you never said--"

"Said it before? Would you have believed me?"

"...No..."

"I want us to have a real relationship, but I'll settle for being whatever you need at the time. I know I'm married but I have room in my heart for you." I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn't find the words. "Come back to bed. Please." I nodded and let him lead me back to my bedroom. We got in bed and he turned off the lights. We laid in the silence of the darkness. I turned to my side knowing I should be savoring the small amount of time left that I could lay this way comfortably... for the most part. I replayed everything in my mind. I felt movement behind me then felt Lin's hand stroking my shoulder and warm kisses along my neck. I turned to face him.

"I love you too but I'm--"

"Scared. I know."

"And I don't understand any of this."

"No one does. No one will but that's love." I reached up a hand into the darkness.

"Where's your face? I wanna kiss it." I chuckled.

"Only a moment away." Lin said and kissed me deeply.