Someone's Someone

Someone's Someone - Chapter Forty Two

Henna....

Sometimes, being all alone to grieve the loss of all that could have been, really is the best company a girl like me can have.

It's been four heartbreaking days since Danny left. I have been utterly miserable. Utterly heartbroken. I've been back and forth to work, numbly so. I have also been numbly organising our Christmas Eve party. It keeps my mind busy. A busy, hurting mind, cannot hurt anymore than it already does, if it is kept really busy.

So, I'm keeping mine especially very busy.

I have to.

Those who care about me, really don't need to see me so miserable. They don't need to see how lost I am feeling.

My colleagues don't need my loss of Danny, to be carried over into my work. I need to keep a professionally clear head. I have to do my job just as well as I always do. People don't stop needing ambulances just because it's Christmas and I am broken-hearted. In fact, Christmas and New Year, is our busiest time of the year. But no matter how busy I keep myself, no matter how professional I try to remain—I'm still sad.

Without Danny, I just feel so desperately sad.

But as the old saying goes life goes on, and I really am trying my best to do just that; keep going on.

I guess, me and Danny just weren't meant to be.

Which is why it hurts when he texts me. It hurts, because he's not helping me to move forward. His texts, undo all of my emotional hard work to move forward in my life. His first text was to say how sorry he was, how we could still have a relationship.

But honestly, how can we? How can we when I am here and he is there?

His second text, was to ask me to please get in touch.

But I can't.

I won't. 

His third text, was simply:

I miss and love you xxxx

That text sent this morning, nearly had me replying back to him.

It nearly unraveled all of my determination that I have invisibly bound myself with. It nearly had me moving backwards in my life.

Nearly.

But that was this morning, and now is now. The only thing I want to be thinking about this evening, is of light up Christmas garlands and pretty white fairy lights. Dad is in charge of the seven foot Nordmann Fir that is now taking pride of place in the corner of the living room, and I am in charge of creating a festive wonderland around the inside and the outside of the front door and everywhere else inside of the house. The Christmas Eve party is only two days away, and I'm working one more night shift, so there's not much time to get it all done by.

"Noodle, do you know where your ugly angel is? I can't seem to find her." Dad calls out to me, as I'm spiralling the hallway banister with the gorgeous green and red garland in my hands.

Chuckling, I shout back to dad. "She should be in a black shoebox." I'm still smiling, as dad is referring to an angel that I made back in Year 8. She's got big blue sequin eyes, a pink felt nose with red felt lips and cheeks. She has two bright yellow wool plaits on either side of her head, and she is wearing a purple felt top with two pink sequin buttons and a long layered skirt made of white and yellow netting.

As tree angels go, she really is ugly.

But every single year, dad proudly puts her on the top of our Christmas tree. Every single year, we get all nostalgic and laugh about the very first time I had brought her home to show my dad.

I made her for him, and she is a yearly reminder of that.

"Found her!" Dad bellows back. "Is it me, or does she seem to get uglier every year?" He's now laughing, his laughter fills the living room and is now echoing out into the hallway.

With the banister now looking all pretty and festive, I decide to go and reacquaint myself with my very ugly angel; all eight inches of her. As I walk towards the tree, dad is on the stepladder, placing her carefully onto the top of it. "There she is, just as ugly as I remember." I say, standing with my hands upon my hips.

"Does she look wonky from where you are?" Dad asks, trying to see whether she is straight or not.

Smiling, I quickly nod. "She looks perfect."

Dad carefully descends the steps, keen to see my ugly angel now sat upon the very top of the Christmas tree. "Ugly, but perfect." Dad smirks, then wraps his arm protectively around my shoulder. "It's good to see a smile on your face, Noodle." He then holds me closer. "I don't like seeing you sad."

Hugging him, I try not to cry. "I'll be okay. Onwards and upwards, as they say." Yes, I'm pretending to be brave. Yes, I'm pretending to be strong. But, I have to try and use my Doris Day way of looking at things. I have to push aside my sadness over Danny. Being sad won't bring him back and it certainly won't do no good. "I'm going to make a start on the front door now."

As I pull from my dad's fatherly embrace, he quietly calls out behind me. "Henna?"

"Yeah?"

Sliding his hands deeply into his trouser pockets, dad warmly smiles in my direction. "Although I wasn't sure about Danny in the beginning, I am also sad that it didn't work out between you two. I know you loved him, and I also know that he loved you, Noodle." Dad makes the few small steps towards me, smiling more as he does. "What will be, will be."

Two tears teeter on my lower lashes, one in each emotional eye. "I miss him so much, Dad."

Gently, dad wipes away my lonesome tears, from one sad eye at a time. "And I've no doubt he is missing you, too."

With my tears now wiped away, I smile back at my father. "I love you, Dad."

"Never as much as I'll always love you." His green eyes become veiled with such pride and such love as his hand slowly reaches up to stroke my hair. "Just keep being you, and your life will perfectly fall into place. We all love and lose, Henna, just as we all love and win. And in my heart, in my fatherly heart...I just know you're going to be a winner."

Blinking slowly, I can only give my father a small smile in return.

My life may one day perfectly fall into place.

It may one day, all be okay.

I'm not yet okay, but hopefully with the kind grace of time, I eventually will be.