Ugana

Chapter 7

Somehow the walk home from the education facility seems longer without Sarah. Empty, almost. Often I catch myself looking up for her yellow curls as she hops, three hops then waits, and fight the fluttering panic when she isnt there. It's irrational, I know, but I cant help it.

When I get to our spot by the wall I stop, resting in the tall grass as the clouds move back and forth across the sun. Each time I sit here, watching the gleam of the (adjective) steel, I feel the once crippling fear chipping away as my curiosity grows like vines, invasive and dangerous, and by the end of the week the memories of the dark eyed men are just that- memories. Thoughts. Fleeting and real, but no longer holding the ability to send my heart racing or my breath to catch in my throat.

On days like today I like to sit here and watch the world outside the wall. Inside everything is still, but outside the world moves. Grass dances and branches bend. They say it's called "wind, but I don't really know who "they" are. Whoever wrote the books I guess. My mother told me that further in, the wind comes regularly, but here in our city by the wall its rare. I've seen it a few times, but nothing like this. Inside its quiet as a whisper, but outside its wild and fierce. Its exhilarating each time it happens, like magic. One moment the world is sitting quietly and the next its alive. I wonder what that feels like.

Looking up at the sky the clouds move fast, rushing in and moving across the sun as it beats down on my skin. I can feel the soft sting of its rays and know I should put on my jacket- one must be vigilant in their effort to preserve their complexion- but I don't. I remember last year when a girl from my training program had spent too much time outside without the appropriate coverings and her skin became pink and blotchy. Nobody spoke to her for weeks, isolating her to her own company, afraid perhaps that her condition may be contagious. Eventually her skin fell back to its usual porcelain shade, but even then, it took time to regain her social status in the halls. Good thing I enjoy my own company.

When the wind blows again I look out, watching the leaves rustle from the large oak half hidden behind the towering metal barrier. For a moment I wonder if my eyes are playing tricks, but then I see him again, his body so dark it camouflages to the tree he rests in- watching. My heart is racing and I feel the moisture pooling in the palms of my hands. I should scream- run, but I can't. My body is glued to the ground beneath me. When the branches begin to sway, his hair falls across his face, but he doesn't dare move either. Instead we sit, blood pounding through our veins like a drum. I don't notice how fast im breathing until Im struggling for air, each breath ripping into my lungs like claws, burning like fire. The world is growing darker at the edges as he slowly descends the branch, taking a cautious step closer. Before the world goes black I see his eyes- brown and soft- nothing at all like mine, and I wonder how I'll die.

***

Its beautiful- the way the light looks through closed eyes. It buzzes around like fireflies, coming and going, flickering. I allow myself to drift the way you do in the moments right before you awake- those few fleeting moments where nothing matters, before reality crashes in. The wall. The boy. Am I dead? Don't be silly, of course not. If I were dead I wouldn't be having this internal conversation with myself- or would I? I have no idea.

I have no idea about anything right now. No idea where I am or how long Ive been here. I have no idea if hes still here himself, maybe just next to me, waiting for me to open my eyes before he plunges a dagger into my heart- or worse. I don't know if im alone. Suddenly it occurs to me that I may not even be in Ugana any longer- I may be outside- outside the wall, and the idea is too much to bare. Suddenly nothing else matters, the fear of death slowly giving way to something much stronger- the panic of being on the outside gain- and my eyes fly open.