For Him

26 days without you

8th July 2018
7:44 pm

Hey, sorry for not writing to you in so long but I've had a full on week. I know it's no excuse so please don't be upset. I've thought about you everyday. There isn't a day goes by in which I don't miss you.

Last Wednesday was my prom and it was hard for me to go. I always expected for you to see me in my dress before I went. Not once did it cross my mind that you might not be there to see me. I hope I looked beautiful because I just want to make you proud. The night was perfect. Once it got dark there was the one bright star again. Like there is out of my window late at night.  I'm sure it's you. It's your way of keeping an eye on me. I hope you never truly go. I know I'll never see you again and that tears me apart but seeing that star really gives me comfort and a kind of happiness.

Never stop shining.  Please.

Thursday was my induction at college. It was scary and my anxiety got the better of me to begin with but I soon settled in and even spoke to a couple of people which isn't like me at all. I'm really excited to start college and I promise that I'll work so hard to make you proud of me.   ❤❤❤

Friday was your funeral. It was the saddest day of my life so far. It was a beautiful service for you. I think you'd  be happy to know we were all talking about you and everyone is missing you. All your family and friends. There were so many people there. Not all of them could fit into the church for the service.  It was beautiful. Saying goodbye to you was so difficult but I'm glad I did. The sense of closure that the funeral allowed is good. Now I have a place to go to remember you in the remembrance garden.  The gardens are gorgeous. I think you'll be happy and at peace there. I hope so

Writing to you like this is painful which might be why I haven't done it in a while. I promise it isn't because I've forgotten about you because I never will. As the lady from the funeral service said:

"There will forever be a hole in our hearts that nothing can fill or replace. A Steven-shaped hole left with us."

I love you grandad. I wish I had said it more often to you. Why does it take a death for me to realise I should tell people I love them more?

Please don't say I'm a terrible person. I already know I am.

I should've done more to try and see you in hospital.
I should've told you I love you.
I should've gone to say a proper goodbye.

I still keep seeing you when I go out. But when I realise it isn't you....it hurts so much.