365 days before

Van's life

Author's Note : The first chapter is really shitty, i'm sorry. The funny thing is that this happened, so I hope it isn't as unrealistic as it sounds.

„KAT I SWEAR, LOOK AT MY ACC, HE REFOLLOWED ME" „YEAH, YEAH I SEE IT BUT WHY? DID YOU SPAM HIM???" my best friend asks, almost as exited as i am right now. „NO I DIDN'T DO NOTHING! I MEAN YEAH I TWEETED ABOUT HIM BUT I NEVER MENTIONED HIM IN ANY OF THESE THINGS"

„OMG VAN I'M SO; SO HAPPY FOR YOU" Kat squeaks. „YOU DESERVE IT SO MUCH, I WISH I COULD HUG YOU RIGHT NOW!"

„You're so cute, Kat, i swear, i could not wish for a better friend, i would come over and hug you but i can't". I say. „Why?" Kat asks. „He's drunk again" I nearly whisper, anxious that he could hear me. „Oh." She immediatly understands.

„Yeah, i hang up okay? Thank you for being you, keep that shit up." „Oh Van" she laughs „Bye!"

I throw my phone on my bed when i hear a loud cry from the living room and sigh. „Welcome to the real world van" i whisper to myself and run out of my room towards the repeated scream.

I love being on twitter, tweeting, laughing with my online friends, escape for a moment and try to forget what's waiting when i shut my laptop down.

My mum's standing in a corner of the living room, eyes big and scared, one hand claws into the couch next to her. I can't see her properly because my dad built himself up infront of her, breathing heavily. „Oh, dad" i breathe. When i lay a hand on his shoulder he winces and his head turns in my direction. "Go. Away." he says through gritted teeth.

"Let her go."

"GO! A!WAY!" he speaks, now louder.

"I'll let you alone when you let your wife go." I emphasize 'wife' to see his reaction. And there it is. For a moment his hand on mum's t-shirt softens.

My mum gives it a go and slips past my dad, shows me a thankful smile ( nope, it definitly doesn't look like a smile but i don't know how to call it?) and walks out of the room. She doesn't run. We both know, that he would follow her if she displays that she's scared.

"Oh, dad" I repeat what i said first and look him straight in the eye.

His eyes water and he tries to hug me. I take a step back, trying not to break the eyecontact.

" 'm sorry" he croaks, supressing a sob.

"You should be. Go, tell mom when you're sober" I say calm. He nods, now looking on the floor. I see a teardrop, see how it falls from my dads cheek onto the carpet, see how it sinks in.

I walk backwards out of the room. I abandon him, i have to. When I show him pity, even hug him, he won't learn it. I mean he'll never learn it, i gave up on him when he hit mom for the first time, but I try to ignore it and pretend like he could change. This situation ( in other circumstances, but all in all exactly this situation) repeats on a weekly basis. Usualy on fridays, but sometimes ( like today ) on saturdays.

He doesn't drink everyday ( he does, but most of the time only one glass of whine and thats it ) but when he drinks, he drinks much. Like extremely much. When he first drank i was scared but time after time i got that he would never hurt me. That's why i'm the only in this family who can save other family members, he would always scream at me, or at least speak insanely loud to awe me, but never, and i repeat never, would he get violent infront or towards me. I really don't know why but I won't question it.

I sit down on my bed, pull my phone out of my pillow ( I don't why but my phone always lies there ) and text kat. When i was a little bit younger i told noone about my "little secret". I thought it was embarassing to have a dad who drinks and a mom who can't stop him. Now that i'm 17 I get that it isn't embarassing for me. It's embarassing for my father. Kat exhibited me the benefits in talking about my problems. She showed me that there are people out there who I can trust.

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