365 days before

361 days before - it's killing him.

"Luke?" Calum asks, trying to get my attention. "Mhhm?" I answer, not really giving him what he wants.

"I asked why you won't stop starring at my shirt."

No response.

"LUKE!" he says loudly "Could you PLEASE stop dreaming and start listing, you're the whole evening like that, starring either at me, the floor or your phone. It's annoying. Whether you're going to tell me what's wrong or you start being normal again."

"Sorry." I state, searching for an answer. "I'm just tired"

"Not good enough" Calum replys. "I know that something's up when you say you're 'just something'. C'mon, you know you can tell me everything, I won't judge you. I mean.. You know how weird I am - how could I ever judge someone when i'm the the one who likes a girl who doesn't even know me."

I get nervous "You like someone who doesn't know you?" I ask, curious.

"You didn't know that? Omg I can't believe it, I told it literally everybody!"

"Yeah, nice to know that you're choosing everyone over me, thank you." I say snippy.

"Don't be foolish Luke. I thought I did, in fact, tell you about it. Usually you're the first one to know about these things! I just forgot it, take a chillpill Luke."

I keep quiet. "Luhuke" Calum adds, slightly annoyed.

"Who is it?" I question.

"Who is what?"

"Who's your crush?"

"I won't tell you."

I roll my eyes. "I thought you told it, to requote you, LITERALLY everybody?"

"Not the name, just that there is someone.." "To make everyone nosy?" I ask

"No! But I have to talk about her. Like not in a wowhernameway but in a wowherbodyway."

"Oh Calum, will you ever grow up?"

"I hope that was a rhetoric question because no."

I head off and take my phone, first reading my new whatsapp-messages but not answering even one of them. I open Instagram but no, I can't stand my comments right  now.

I know it's not a good idea but I open twitter. It's still on my last opened fanacc and  immediately I remember her damn face . I saw her. I mean maybe I'm stupid but it just had to be her, I mean I know her freaking username better than mine.

Why.. Just why was she there. The universe has to hate me. I knew where she's from blah, but I didn't know that she had frontrowtickets, I mean she was tweeting about everything but that.

Why wasn't she just ugly or plain boring? Why couldn't she just scream in my face and not being so damn cute? Why, why, why?

I mean I don't only care about looks, everybody knows that. But wow, this girl, even if she was just a fangirl, was pretty. She wasn't hot or sexy or whatever, she was just.. beautiful. I couldn't see her eye color but I could see the shape of her face, how her hair fell, could see how she danced, how she smiled. I could see enough to have now a picture in my head that I never will forgot. There is a fitting face for this account. And that's definitely not good. I try for ages to stop stalking her, to stop reading every tweet. But now, how I am supposed to do that?

"Luke. Stop dreaming, we're leaving!" a voice interrupts my thoughts.

"Y-yeah okay" I murmur and stumble towards the door.

"Oh Luke, you really need to talk to someone." Ashton sighs. "You're so out of space."

"No, really, like uhmm" I stutter. "Evr'thing's all right."

"Yeah of course it is. That's why everybody, even me, thinks you changed"

I don't respond, walking, only looking at the oh-so-interesting floor.

My phone buzzes, I ignore it.

I feel like literally everyone noticed it at this point. I'm not fine, not at all. I just want to punch someone, punch a wall, because I feel so stupid. I don't know how to stop this, how to stop my growing feelings towards a girl I saw once - today. To a girl who's just another fan, who's nothing special. Except that she is.

It's so embarrassing, I feel so humiliated, you probably can't even like someone who you never talked to. But I do and it's killing me, it's fucking killing me. Fuck this, i'm barely 18, I should start fooling around, should be like Michael or Ashton.

What is wrong with me?

I sit down in the cab, starring out of the window, thinking about this situation. I'll never be with her, neither'll I ever talk to her. I want to take my phone out, want to unfollow her, but my hands won't move. And even if I would do it, it would only make her sad. And I can't just unfollow my thoughts.

Michael, who's sitting next to me, pats my leg. I know that he's there for me, I could easily talk to him, but I just can't. And I  don't want to.

3 hours later I'm laying in bed, trying to sleep. I miss my own bed, I miss my room, to only ever sleep in hotel rooms is exhausting, you feel like you don't have a real home, and even if I know how lucky I am to go touring with the lads.. today it feels wrong. Today is just not my day.

I feel so damn pathetic.