365 days before

352/351 days before - i like listening to you.

I'm Smiling' :)

No he didn't. No. No. No. He. No. I can't believe my eyes, like he just. No. Am I hallucinating? I have to, don't I? I'm about to lose my head.

I refresh. It's still there. I refresh again, just to be sure. I take a screenshot. Ok who am I kidding? I take at least 12. My shaking hands just won't stop making them, to scared to look at one of them and realise that I hoaxed myself.

And then.. my phone shuts done. With one quick movement and wobbly legs I spurt towards the bathroom where Kat's showering right now. I hammer against the door, literally about to cry.

"Kat? Kat could you please open the door? Kat I'M BEGGING YOU. KAT!" My words are growing ever louder with every passing second, I just cannot stop myself. "KAT I NEED YOUR PHONE.. OR GIVE ME THE PASSWORD TO YOUR NOTEBOOK. KAT.."

I listen to the stream of water which stops abruptly as Kat finally hears my screams. "What the fuck Van, I'm dripping wet"

"Oh really?" I say sarcastically.

"It can't be that important if you still can make fun of me" I can hear out of her voice that she's grinning.

"No seriously Kat. Please hurry up. I forgot to bring my charger with me."

I hear her stepping out of the shower. "Yeah and how can I help you with that?"

"KAT STOP ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS AND COME OUT DAMN IT" I regret my harsh words in the second they're coming out of my mouth. "I'm sorry Kat, I'm just in rush and i definitely need your phone right now. Luke dm'ed me back." The last words are coming out as a choked squeak, considering how unbelievable it is to say it out loud.

"WHAT?! YOU'RE JOKING! NO VAN YOU'RE LYING. YOU. OH MY GOD THAT IS SO INCREDIBLE. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT.." I hear how the key's turning and see a Kat, only wrapped in a big red towel, getting out of the bathroom, in the right hand her phone, the other laying on her waist, big, nervous eyes on me. "STRAGHTAWAY I COULD HAVE BEEN QUICKER." She hands me her phone, looking at me, eager.

Her phone is already unlocked, so i'm opening twitter immediately, hoping Kat didn't log me out the last time I was on her phone. But of course, as a good friend, she did exactly that. I always forget to log myself out, but she knows that I hate it when people are logged in because I got hacked once.

When I tip my password in wrongly for the felt 7th time because of my shaky hands and my blurred vision I'm utterly exhausted. I don't even know why, it's just.. it's all to much lately, sometimes you're so stressed, like not because of the people around you, but because you stress yourself, that you can't really accept good things to happen to you. Maybe 'accept' is the wrong word, it just exhausts you. To, you know, exists. Like in general. 

I finally manage to log myself in. I go directly to Lukes profile, hesitating for a seconds, still scared that I just imagined that, that I'm insane, that I..

I'm Smiling ':)

"Kat. It's still there. Kat, Kat, Kat, Kat." I'm repeating her name like a prayer, not knowing how to react. 

Kat's looking over my shoulder, before then way to polite to watch me tipping my password in. "Oh my god Van that's so amazing, write him back, do it now! ..Van?"

I don't answer. "Van, you aren't breathing properly" she says unsure. A short "I know" slips out of my mouth, because i am indeed hyperventilating. It's not that I do that on purpose, I mean why should I? "Why?" Kat asks. "Too much." 

"Van breath with me." Kat speaks calmly, she lays a hand on my shoulder as a support, to show me that she's there. "Inhale - exhale. Yeah good. Inhale - Exhale. Inhale - Exhale. Van something wonderful just happened to you. You're reacting wrongly, because it still didn't arrive in your head that this is a good thing. Van you're alright. Everything is alright."