Anyone But Me

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Every muscle in her body started to shake as she stood in the corridor and stared into the darkness after the boy. She could not get her body to obey her commands to move and instead sank to her knees. The panic attack that had been trailing her since Theodore's first materialization threatened to consume her. Even though she logically knew she should feel relief, the only emotion that would surface was the despair she had shoved down far enough to function earlier.

A scream tore out of her lungs and was quickly muffled into the crook of her elbow. Pictures of all of the people she had thought she was about to lose swam before her eyelids.

Harry... Ginny... Tonks... Neville... Luna... Ron... Fred... George... Her Parents... Mr. and Mrs. Weasley... Lupin...

Draco...

She pressed her face even tighter into her flesh and sobbed as she realized just how important he had become to her to be added to the involuntary list. The severity of how deep her betrayal ran lashed at her, making it hard for her to breathe. There was no coming back from her choices now. She had known the cost in the abstract, that first night and every night after, but now that the reality had been dangled in front of her...

The crushing fear immobilized her. Hermione had no clue how long she sat there and fell apart but eventually the stinging pain in her legs registered. She slowly got to her feet and wiped the evidence of her breakdown from her face with her free hand. Draco's note was still tightly clenched in the other.

She made her way to Gryffindor Tower and up to her dorm. Thankful for the empty numbness that proceeded an attack. Usually it helped her to be able to think in peace and try to figure out a solution to whatever had triggered her anxiety, but all that she wanted to do was curl up in bed and pretend her life wasn't hers any longer.

Once she was positioned at the foot of her bed she had to physically pry her fingers from her palm so she could set the paper down. As quietly as she could, she changed into a pair of pajamas and climbed into bed before drawing the curtains and casting her new nightly ritual of protection charms around herself. Her paranoia about the girl who slept a few feet away still hadn't abated and she wasn't willing to wake up one morning with no hair on her head...

Hermione sat cross-legged and stared down at what looked like a crinkled piece of trash. It was situated exactly where she had left it, not shifting when she had jostled the blanket. She debated with herself on just setting the thing on fire. That would be the smartest choice. Put an end to their dalliances and avoid him. There was an undeniable safety in that path... For her and for him.

She would be able to go back to the way things should have turned out. If she had never made the choice to go to the party... As she sat there the future that she had wanted for years played out in front of her. Winning the war... Inevitably ending up with Ron... Getting married... Their own little brood of kids running around under foot... Growing old with everyone she cared about by her side... All of it had been within her grasp. It still could be if she could find the strength in herself to be content. Content in her friendships and the assuredness of that future.

In comparison, the dubious and unlikely future with Draco was filled with questions. A million questions that all hung on a thousand "What ifs". What if their choice somehow meant losing the war? What if it didn't? What if once it was all over he ended up not wanting to be with her? What if he did? What if they were not strong enough to handle the fallout? What if they both lost everyone? What if they came to blame the other for the end result of their lives? What if no one was there when she was old? What if she could never rebuild the relationships that would undoubtedly be broken?

She had known what choice she needed to make before she had even asked for that first electric kiss. Even laying there, after the day that she'd just had, the desire to be in his arms had altered into an unyielding need. And the fact that he had shown up on her roster of reverenced individuals said a lot more than her coherent thoughts ever could. She valued the role he played in her life more than she had been willing to admit...