Anyone But Me

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Her plan had been foolish and fueled by a frenzied desperation. As soon as she had gone over it the next morning all of the obvious flaws started to show themselves. There was no way she could erase what had happened between them from Draco's memories... No matter how tempting it was.

Alternatively, she decided the best course of action was to ignore any attempts at communication. She didn't respond to the teasing note that arrived by owl the next morning at breakfast, inquiring as to why she had not written back the night before. Or the one that had suddenly appeared in her bag when she went to put away her Potions essay. Afraid that if she read the words she would cave.

Over the next few days she continued to find more hastily scribbled messages. Each one joined the unread congregation at the bottom of her bag. The itch to open them grew as the pile did, but she wouldn't allow it. Every time her resolve began to deteriorate she would remind herself of why she had to sever any ties to the boy now... Before it became impossible to do so.

Most of her time was spent purposefully trying not to think about him. She would do everything in her power to stop her eyes from scanning the crowd whenever she was out of the Gryffindor Tower. There was a tense set to her shoulders at meal times as she fought with herself to keep her eyes forward. She kept her breaktimes to the common room, foregoing the Library, and tried to concentrate on her heavy workload of assignments.

Granted, it was an extremely difficult task as her nightmare became her newest obsession. Each time she tried to close her eyes and fall asleep it would reappear. Always in a different setting but the end result was the same... Everyone screamed their hatred at her and stood back allowing her demise. A relief she had come to rush towards after the screams of derogatory abhorrence would escalate to a volume where she finally begged for the deliverers of death to complete their job.

She could not figure out why it kept plaguing her even though she had made the choice to end things with Draco. The guilt should have abated and allowed her some sleep, but it didn't. If anything it seemed to intensify her shame. The added matter of sleep deprivation from her broken sleep pattern did nothing to help her obsessive thoughts.

So when she stood in front of the mirror after her shower on Friday morning she was not surprised to find herself in an absolute state. The dark circles under her eyes made it look as if she hadn't slept in weeks instead of the handful of nights it had actually been. This wasn't exactly surprising considering the way her body would instinctively react to the stimuli in the dream. Each time she was jolted awake it would feel like she had just run a marathon.

Mechanically she went on auto-pilot in an attempt to right herself into a presentable resemblance of a human being. Her mind pondered if she was well on the road to finally completely cracking. Going to Pomfrey like Harry had suggested was becoming a more distinct possibility by the night... She wasn't going to hold up much longer under the mixture of academic and personal stress without sleep. And she couldn't afford a breakdown...

The sting of her finger applying the healing lotion he had given her to a deep scratch that marked her from shoulder to elbow, self inflicted from a distraught act of trying to fight invisible foes, brought her back to her somber reality. She finished with the quick first aid and pulled on the rest of her uniform. Finding herself grateful that the unintentional mark hadn't been left in a more exposed place... Like her face.

She replaced the top to the container and bit down on her bottom lip, concentrating on the pain to keep herself from thinking of why she even had it. Her thumb ran over the smooth surface once before she shoved it deep into the bag with the rest of her showering supplies.

With one last look in the mirror she turned and left the Prefect's bathroom. Intent on finding it in herself to be satisfied in the choice that she'd been forced to make. For both their sakes... For her friendships... For so many reasons... And if she couldn't do that, to at least be hopeful for the day when she would be able to regain her old contentment with the required path.