It Wasn't Me

Pt. 2 Ch 19- Nayomi

     I was sitting on the edge of my bed nervous as hell. I was waiting for the 2 minutes to pass and it seemed like the longest 2 minutes ever. I had been sick more often plus something just didn't feel right. I missed my period, but I didn't think much of it. My period was already irregular because of the birth control pills. I just thought there was no harm in taking the EPT, because then I would know that I wasn't pregnant. I sat there thinking about what would happen if I was. Would I tell Darren? Then I thought about Darren's wife. They probably already had kids. They probably had a whole family and he was probably there right now having dinner. A tear rolled down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away. I had been trying to make myself not think about Darren and to stop all the tears from coming. I looked at the clock and it was time to check the test. I walked into the bathroom and over to the counter. First I peeked then I took a gaping stare and lost my breath. I didn't know whether to be upset or happy. The test was positive. I was pregnant. Part of me didn't want to believe it. It was all too much. Before I began to panic I thought to myself that the test could be wrong. I called my doctor to make an appointment for the next day. It was Friday so he had room to fit me in. I didn't want to call and tell anybody because I didn't want to make it true. In my own way, if I didn't believe it, it wasn't true.

The next day I found myself lying on my back half naked with my feet propped up in cold stainless steel stirrups. My Doctor was performing and internal exam before leaving me to collect some information and returning with an ultra sound machine. We would soon find out if there was indeed a baby in there. The wait felt extremely long. When he finally reentered the room he explained that he was going to do a sonogram. It would officially determine if I was pregnant and how far along I was. He smoothed a cold gooey liquid over my stomach that felt icky and uncomfortable. I almost didn't hear him say that I was six weeks pregnant. I thought my heart stopped. I smiled but it was unintentional. It was official. I was pregnant and I was confused. I didn't know what to do. The doctor finished examining me and asking me questions. Finally he left so that I could get dressed. After putting my clothes back on I left the Doctor's office, sat in my car and cried. I thought about calling Darren, but what would I say? I wasn't sure if I wanted him to know. Abortion was not an option. I could never think about doing something like that. I drove home in silence. The only thing that made noise was my thoughts. My mind was going a mile a minute. I just needed a good night's sleep. I prayed I would be able to work things out by the next morning.

I finally made it home. I was emotionally drained. All I wanted to do was eat pizza and watch movies. I had all my favorite movies and I had finally ordered my meat lover's pizza with olives. My pizza was to arrive soon, but I had enough time to take a shower. I took a quick one and dressed in a t shirt and boxer shorts. I tied my hair up in a ponytail and took a blanket from the closet. I looked at my phone and once again I decided to call Darren. Before I could convince myself not to call I was dialing his number. It rang twice before he answered. He said my name a few times but I couldn't answer him. I hung up without saying anything and I felt stupid. I was jumping the gun and I knew it. I waited a few more minutes before starting the movie. I watched a little bit of The Wood before the pizza delivery guy came. I was happy that my pizza had arrived in only 15 minutes. I was starving. I continued my movie and ate a few slices. I had turned my phone on silent and had missed several calls from Darren. I missed him but I didn't know what I would say to him if I saw him. About an hour and a half later I popped Love and Basketball into the DVD player. It was a cute movie but it was the last movie of the night. Meanwhile, I was feeling the effects of the pizza and getting tired. My doorbell rang before I could push play. I rushed over to the door and peeped through the peephole. To my surprise, Darren was standing outside my door. My intension was to not let him in and let him stand outside. But I opened the door and he seemed happy to see me. He hugged me but I didn't hug him back. Tears slipped down my cheeks but I quickly wiped them away before noticed. It felt good to be back in his arms, but those good feelings quickly faded and turned into anger again.

"What are you doing here?" I let go of him and walked back towards the living room. He followed me without a word at first. I turned around to find him looking just as bad as I felt. He was disheveled. I had never seen him look so bad. He always kept his appearance up no matter what. His eyes were red and his face looked long. I wanted to hold him and tell him everything was going to be alright, but the anger inside of me wouldn't let me move.

"Nayomi," he started, "I know I was wrong and I should have told you everything from the beginning, but I couldn't stand the thought of losing you. I just want you to listen to me and let me explain." He stood there waiting for me to respond. I didn't break composure, but I looked at him as if to say continue. He walked over to the couch and took a seat. He buried his face in his hands and took a deep breath. He didn't speak for a moment. I walked over to the couch and sat next to him. He looked at me and I knew whatever he was going to say would be the truth. "I want to say that I really do love you. I didn't mean to hurt you and I planned on telling you everything when the time was right." I sighed as if to say get to the point. He looked at me and continued. "I married Kim right out of high school because she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was the right thing to do. A few months after our marriage I found out she was cheating on me and had been for a while. I didn't know whether the baby was mine or not. She assured me that they baby was mine and that she never cheated on me. I thought we could work everything out. She ended up having a miscarriage." He stopped his explanation. I could tell he was hurt by the memory but he gained his composure and finished explaining. "After she lost the baby she made it her duty to make me feel as if it was my fault. She said she was so stressed out about an argument that we had at a party that she lost the baby. Part of me knew it wasn't true, but part of me still felt guilty because I felt that if I had been there more often I could've prevented her from the partying, drinking, and smoking. We stayed together. I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe I thought she would change. Maybe I thought it was easier than admitting I made a mistake. Before long my business got off the ground and divorcing her seemed even more unlikely. She would take everything. I thought it would be better just to stay with her," he continued. "Then I met you and it was different. I wanted you not just as something on the side, but as someone I could be with forever. I know you may not believe me, but I love you and I have never felt this way about anyone. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know it's selfish to ask you to be with me, but I have to ask because if I don't I would be lying to myself. If nothing else I would like to be your friend." I stared at him. Tears filled my eyes but I refused to let them fall. I was so confused. I wanted to be with him but I couldn't be with a married man.

I went into the kitchen. I had to move around. I had to stop looking in his eyes or I wouldn't be able to think clearly. Part of me wished none of it ever happened. I didn't know which part I wish did happen. Did I wish we had never met? Did I not want the baby or did I? Did I wish I never found out he was married? I didn't know. I did know that I had to tell him about the baby. I poured myself a cold glass of water and leaned against the counter. I was too afraid to go back into the living room. What would I say?