Who Names The Colors

Birthday

"Hey love, haven't heard from you in a while. Um, I think you probably aren't coming home for birthday stuff this weekend, which I totally get, and it's fine love."

She was a bit sad that Ethan hadn't called about coming home for her birthday, but also really relieved. That was a shitty mix of feelings, like when you anticipate sweet melty goodness and get the bitter when your chocolate is too dark. She had plans for this weekend, birthdays to celebrate and feelings to prove, and having her son coming home to her would just make things, well, impossible. "But I just wanted to know for sure, and, well um, just to hear your voice. I know you are big and have a whole life outside your old mum. But, well I have news, and you must too. So, call me back! Ta."

Jo bit her lip and wondered if she should say something. Even something as simple as I'm seeing someone. Jo wasn't ready to tell him who. Last night she had stared at Harry sleeping by her side, like he had for nearly a month, nightly, and wondered when she would be ready to tell Ethan the truth. She had resolved to tell him part of it. Even if that was as bland as she was seeing someone and thought they might be in love.

It was groundwork, slightly manipulative groundwork, because she was hoping if he had time to see how happy she was, how being loved like this, so badly, made her feel like she was a bird flying on gold tipped wings who always found home, he would be able to get over that Harry was his friend, and the same age as him, and seemingly unsuitable. Ethan would see Harry was a bad idea on paper, but was poetry in real life.

She had big plans for this weekend, and since she knew she was not ready to be totally honest with her son about the love that was consuming her, Jo needed to check his plans before she made her own. That deception sat uncomfortably on her shoulders, but the Atlas strength to carry it was in her broad planes. She could sustain it if she got to paint the wind and sky with Harry.

And she had big plans for Harry. He had gone above and beyond to prove his feelings for her, and though he was accepting of her sleepy, rapturous, and casual I love yous, she could tell he was at least a tiny bit dubious.

Jo wanted to erase the hesitation he had in his eyes. She wanted to prove she was committed, so he could be comfortable with how devoted he couldn't help but be. She hoped after this weekend, he could see that they had both pushed all of their chips to the center of the table, that she had higher stakes, and that they both could win.

She needed to know Ethan's plans, then she would finalize her own and show Harry all of the colors he brought out in her. The blues of her calm mornings when they could linger in bed, the browns of the tea he made her, the reds of the spices when he cooked tikka for her, and especially the green of his eyes, her new spring.

But Ethan didn't answer. He had been out of touch much of the last semester, and she maybe didn't notice because she was preoccupied with her own complicated tangled heart strings. That made Jo's pulse rate. She knew what she could give Harry for his birthday.

She had an image, from that thought and needed to commit it to canvas.

Because Harry and her shared a birthday. She had forgotten in the years when he was growing up and she was trying to look grown-up herself. They never celebrated together, except the one time. Once Ethan insisted they sing to everybody the day before because he had baked a cake for both of them. Harry had been so red cheeked Jo assumed he couldn't stand the fuss. She had been endeared of her own sweet boy more than his friend. Jo thinks they were 13, she figured it was teenage insecurity on Harry's part.

Knowing him now, she knew it was just intense pleasure mixed with ingrained English reserve. The boy loved a fuss. Liked to be the center of attention for all the discomfort, it also pleased him to be recognized. Jo was intent on making him feel seen. That he was all she could see and feel and hear some days. What she loved to touch and taste most. She wanted to make a big fuss about him and his birthday. Paint the town and the canvas red.