YAAASSS QUEEN: Queer Eye Comes to Hogwarts

Act I

(The Fab 5 are riding in the car. Tan's driving because he's the only one who isn't freaked out by the steering wheel being on the wrong side of the vehicle.)

Tan: (checking himself out for a second in the rear-view mirror) So, where are we going this week, lads?

Karamo: We are headed to Hogwarts—

Johnathan: Eww!

Karamo: --to meet Rubeus Hagrid.

(Screen cuts to Hagrid)

Hagrid: I suppose I'm a bit lonely. Olympe left me because she said there weren't room in me life for 'er. (Sighs) I told 'er I'd be happy ter build 'er a bigger hut.

(Back in the vehicle)

Karamo: So, Hagrid—

Antoni: I thought his name was Rubeus?

Karamo: Everybody calls him 'Hagrid.'

Tan: If my name was 'Rubeus,' I'd wear that s**t like a badge of honor.

Bobby: You already have a ridiculous name!

(Laughter)

Tan: What if I changed my name to Rubeus? Would you all call me that?

All: No!

Karamo: So, Hagrid is 67-years-old, he lives alone in a hut on the Hogwarts lawn...

Johnathan: Ewww! Bobby, hunny, can you fix him?

Bobby: Well, huts are the new cabins.

Antoni: (Sitting there. Being beautiful.) I don't know what that means.

Karamo: Hagrid is a half giant—

Johnathan: Ooooh. Delicious.

Karamo: --who enjoys hunting in the Forbidden Forest—

Johnathan: Naughty boy!

Karamo: --fostering terrifying animals—

Johnathan: Fun!

Karamo: --and gardening.

(Screen cuts to Karamo talking to the camera)

Karamo: I'm actually feeling really good about meeting Hagrid. The fact that he has all these interests at his age is incredibly reassuring. I like a man with hobbies. (looks intently at the screen) It drives you.

(Back to car)

Karamo: (reading again) Hagrid is recently single—

(gasps all around)

Johnathan: Oh, Hagrid, baby!

Karamo: --but is looking to get back out there and find the future Mrs. Rubeus Hagrid!

All: Yaaaassss!!!!!!!

Bobby: Turn that bachelor hut into a love nest!

(Screen cuts to Antoni)

Antoni: It's rare that I get to meet a man who gardens. I'm hoping that this means he'll be open to using fresh ingredients, if he's not already doing that.

Tan: (yelling from offscreen) Antoni, darling, you know avocados don't grow in Scotland!

Antoni: (face falling) F**k!

(Car)

Karamo: (reading) He was nominated by his coworker, Minerva.

Johnathan: Oooh! What is up with all these delicious namessss? I wanna be Minerva? Tan, what if you changed your name to 'Rubeus' and I changed my name to 'Minerva"?