YAAASSS QUEEN: Queer Eye Comes to Hogwarts

Act II

(Fab 5 intro song) All THINGS juust keep getting bEEETterrr!!!!!

(Antoni, wearing a crop top and a bandana headband, opens a pouch hanging on a hook from Hagrid's ceiling and inhales deeply.)

Antoni: (coughs violently) Ohohoho! That is awful. Karamo. (brings pouch over to him and holds it open) Smell this.

Karamo: (throwing shade with his eyes) Nuh-uh.

Antoni: Come on. Be a friend.

Karamo: (puts hands on Antoni's shoulders) I love you. I would do anything for you. But I am not smelling that.

Antoni: (shrugs. Continues to open various pouches and sniff, his facial expressions ranging from intrigued to cardiac arrest)

(cuts to Antoni in front of camera.)

Antoni: So...Hagrid has...a lot of this stuff (holds up a bottle of dark, evil-smelling liquor of indeterminate origin) lying around his hut. I get the sense that if Hagrid stopped drinking, he'd shrink down like...300 lbs.

(cut to Antoni working in Hagrid's vegetable patch, picking a variety of fresh tomatoes, summer squash, and leafy greens. He continues to wear the headband bandana, but his chest is bare. Literally every. One. Of the female students who have gone through puberty (who aren't into girls), all of the female teachers, and a few guys (pretending they're not looking) have set up a spot on the lawn to watch him.)

(Cuts to Antoni) Antoni: Hagrid's garden gives me hope. I know he really likes entertaining, so I'm hoping to switch out his rock cakes for something more...edible. More...

(The camera switches to Antoni wearing sunglasses and a trench coat outside a Sainsbury's, looking both ways before he goes in. He enters the grocery store and stops before a display of familiar-looking produce.)

Antoni: Avocado.

Tan: (calling off stage) Bloody hell, mate! Enough with the damn avocados!

Antoni: YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: Hagrid is a fascinating man. He's passionate about this school. He's passionate about what he does, about his hobbies, about the people here. He takes pride in his work. But...Hagrid is a man who is attracted to danger. And for a man who has so much love to give, that gives me pause.

(cuts to Karamo and Bobby discovering Hagrid's crossbow)

Bobby: So, how do we do this thing? Do we just load it up...oh, here? Okay.

Karamo: Oh, that's cute. Let me see that.

(The two of them hold it up at the same time, as it is too heavy for one person)

Karamo: Damn! Hagrid! You are a beast!

Bobby: Okay, so if we want to shoot it, we just... (pulls lever) (the cross bolt disappears into the forest. The sound of a horse falling can be heard through the trees, along with a, "I've been shot!")

Karamo: I think we just killed a centaur.

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: Hagrid just needs to be reminded of the beautiful, wonderful man underneath all that hair and moleskin. That man is a treasure.

(Karamo walking through the grounds. Runs into Blaise)

Blaise: (narrows eyes at him)

Karamo: (widens eyes)