YAAASSS QUEEN: Queer Eye Comes to Hogwarts

Act III

(Fab 5 intro song) All THINGS juust keep getting bEEETterrr!!!!!

(Tan knocks on Hagrid's fitting room door holding a short-sleeved print shirt)

Tan: Now, I want you to keep an open mind.

(Cut to Jonathan walking through the Hogwarts corridors. He stops when he sees Snape walking in his direction.)

Jonathan: (squealing) Yaaasss queen!!!!! You are giving me all kinds of Dracula's gay uncle vibes and I am just eating it up! Can I touch your hair?

Snape: Absolutely not.

Jonathan: (touches his hair anyway) So, how often do you wash this?

Snape: Unhand me.

(cuts to Snape in front of the camera. He has recently received a blow out and he does not look happy about it. His hair looks fabulous.)

Snape: The fancy bearded gentleman recommended that I use a shampoo that does not contain something he calls...sulfates. (pause) I warned Minerva not to do this.

(cuts to McGonagall)

McGongall: I do not know exactly what this 'Fabulous Five' does, but I heard one of the Muggleborn students say that they give haircuts. It is, therefore, only logical to deduce that they also force the subject to take regular baths from time to time. (pauses) And I suppose it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if they introduced some pastels into his wardrobe to liven him up a bit. (the camera lingers on McGonagall, wearing head-to-toe black against her pale skin. She continues to frown.)

(cuts to Hagrid, wearing the short-sleeved shirt Tan was holding, modeling a perfect French tuck)

Hagrid: You don' think it's too jazzy?

Tan: I think it's perfect. (wipes a tear) Hagrid, this outfit is just like you. It's fun, it's sexy, and most importantly, it's a short-sleeved printed shirt in a perfect French tuck, paired with a pair of slim-fitted denims and suede trainers. (wipes another tear) I couldn't be happier.

(cuts to Tan in front of camera)

Tan: (weeping) Oh my God! (unearths a Hermes handkerchief from his pocket and blows his nose) I'm just so... (wipes tears) talented!

(cuts to Karamo and Blaise in the Three Broomsticks)

Karamo: Go talk to her.

Blaise: No.

Karamo: Don't be afraid to let her see the real you.

Blaise: Are you kidding me? I would never show a girl the real me. I'm a bloody awful person.

Karamo: You've got a beautiful soul—

Blaise: I don't have a soul. I traded my soul for a perfect body. (sips his butterbeer) And I am not even remotely fucking joking about that.

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: Blaise is...not exactly what I expected. It's almost as though...me not being there for him when he was growing up made him bitter. (flashes a dashing smile at the camera) But I can work with that.

(cuts to Karamo and Blaise)

Karamo: So, tell me about this girl.

Blaise: No.

Karamo: I insist.

Blaise: Fuck no.

Karamo: I won't stop until you tell me.