(The Fab 5 are riding in the car. Tan's driving because he's the only one who isn't freaked out by the steering wheel being on the wrong side of the vehicle.)
Tan: (checking himself out for a second in the rear-view mirror) So, where are we going this week, lads?
Karamo: We are headed to Hogwarts—
Johnathan: Eww!
Karamo: --to meet Rubeus Hagrid.
(Screen cuts to Hagrid)
Hagrid: I suppose I'm a bit lonely. Olympe left me because she said there weren't room in me life for 'er. (Sighs) I told 'er I'd be happy ter build 'er a bigger hut.
(Back in the vehicle)
Karamo: So, Hagrid—
Antoni: I thought his name was Rubeus?
Karamo: Everybody calls him 'Hagrid.'
Tan: If my name was 'Rubeus,' I'd wear that s**t like a badge of honor.
Bobby: You already have a ridiculous name!
(Laughter)
Tan: What if I changed my name to Rubeus? Would you all call me that?
All: No!
Karamo: So, Hagrid is 67-years-old, he lives alone in a hut on the Hogwarts lawn...
Johnathan: Ewww! Bobby, hunny, can you fix him?
Bobby: Well, huts are the new cabins.
Antoni: (Sitting there. Being beautiful.) I don't know what that means.
Karamo: Hagrid is a half giant—
Johnathan: Ooooh. Delicious.
Karamo: --who enjoys hunting in the Forbidden Forest—
Johnathan: Naughty boy!
Karamo: --fostering terrifying animals—
Johnathan: Fun!
Karamo: --and gardening.
(Screen cuts to Karamo talking to the camera)
Karamo: I'm actually feeling really good about meeting Hagrid. The fact that he has all these interests at his age is incredibly reassuring. I like a man with hobbies. (looks intently at the screen) It drives you.
(Back to car)
Karamo: (reading again) Hagrid is recently single—
(gasps all around)
Johnathan: Oh, Hagrid, baby!
Karamo: --but is looking to get back out there and find the future Mrs. Rubeus Hagrid!
All: Yaaaassss!!!!!!!
Bobby: Turn that bachelor hut into a love nest!
(Screen cuts to Antoni)
Antoni: It's rare that I get to meet a man who gardens. I'm hoping that this means he'll be open to using fresh ingredients, if he's not already doing that.
Tan: (yelling from offscreen) Antoni, darling, you know avocados don't grow in Scotland!
Antoni: (face falling) F**k!
(Car)
Karamo: (reading) He was nominated by his coworker, Minerva.
Johnathan: Oooh! What is up with all these delicious namessss? I wanna be Minerva? Tan, what if you changed your name to 'Rubeus' and I changed my name to 'Minerva"?
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YAAASSS QUEEN: Queer Eye Comes to Hogwarts
FanfictionThe Fab Five face their greatest challenge yet: Rubeus Hagrid. He's got no closet, no bathroom, a bad recipe for rock cakes, a fifty-year-old moleskin coat, and an overgrown beard. Along the way, the Fab Five realize that Hogwarts itself seems to ne...