YAAASSS QUEEN: Queer Eye Comes to Hogwarts

Act V

(McGonagall is in front of the camera. She is sporting a persimmon lip color, a Mia Farrow haircut, and a record-setting frown.)

McGonagall: There is a chance that Severus was right.

(cuts to McGonagall grading papers in her office. Jonathan swings the door open and enters without knocking)

Jonathan: Oh my God, yaaaaasssss. I just wanted to meet you because you're the gorgeous nominator for our Baby Haggy, and you're so cute! Everybody in this castle is so cute. Who gave you permission? I'm Jonathan and you're Minerva, which is gorgeous. I love that name. So, tell me about yourself. Don't leave out any details. I want to know you Grandma Minerva. Can I call you that? I'm gonna call you that. Oh my gawwwsh, when was the last time you got your hair cut?

(cuts to McGonagall)

McGonagall: I also met someone named "Blanche"?

(cuts to Jonathan)

Jonathan: Oh, be still my sweet, Georgian hawwwart! I do DECLAY-AHHH, Minuuhva! This is juuust the most dahhhhlin' castle I buh-lieve ah've evaahh seeeeen!

(cuts to Tan holding Jonathan by the hand and bringing him into Hagrid's hut. He looks concerned.)

Bobby: (pauses in his painting one of the beams in Hagrid's hut) You aren't supposed to be here.

Tan: I'm worried about Jonathan.

Jonathan: Ah juuust luuuuv mah Hogwarts babehhhsss!

Tan: I found him like this, wondering the halls of the castle.

Jonathan: Well, I do DECLAY-AHHHH! Ah could nevah be law-st in such a luuh-vly play-ce!

Bobby: (coming down from the ladder) Love you, Blanche!

(Antoni comes in giggling and holding Theo's hand)

Jonathan: Oh, mah sweeeet beh-beh Antoni! How ahhh you, sugah? And who is yo-ah gentleman fraaand?

Theo: (squirks an eyebrow) What in gay hell?

(cuts to Antoni and Bobby in front of camera)

Antoni: Blanche is sort of this...alternate persona that Jonathan adopts whenever he gets overly excitable.

Bobby: We're starting to suspect he's possessed.

(cuts back to Hagrid's hut)

Jonathan: Who on uuuuh-th invited all these gays to the pah-ty? Why, ah do declay-ah! When ah I was little guhl growin' up in Atlanta, you nevah saw such thangs! Nowadays they'ah everywhey-ah!

(Cuts to Antoni and Bobby)

Bobby: Blanche is also a little homophobic.

(cuts to Jonathan)

Jonathan: Blanche was actually my auntie and she died about ten years ago. She was like...way meaner than people even realize. She once saw me licking the brownie batter off a spoon when I was seven and tried to convince my mom to send me to (uses air quotes) "Fag Camp."

(cuts to Harry and Ron in front of camera)

Harry: I might have done a thing.

Ron: A stupid thing.

Harry: You were the one who said Hagrid was bumming you out.

Ron: He was but bringing Madame Maxime back is just gonna make him worse.