YAAASSS QUEEN: Queer Eye Comes to Hogwarts

Act IV

(Fab 5 intro song) All THINGS juust keep getting bEEETterrr!!!!!

(Moaning Myrtle's bathroom)

Jonathan: --EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione: (tapping fingers on arm of chair) You done?

(cuts to Hermione in front of camera)

Hermione: Jonathan is...quite chatty.

(cuts to Jonathan and Hermione in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom)

Jonathan: Okay. So, like, I'm super bummed that the little Chosen Thang won't let me cut his hair. I mean, like, I'm sorry, but you would be sooooooooo cuuuuuuute if you'd just let me zhuzh up that bird's nest, so you can show off your gorgeous face.

Hermione: (dully) Right.

Jonathan: Anyway, I totally don't blame you for punching little Baby Dray in the face, because he is a piece. Of. Work. After he said all that sh*t to you, I was like, "Hunny! What is your deal? Like, who hurt you?"

Hermione: Yeah.

Jonathan: So, do you have a boyfriend, because you're like totally beautiful and I'm like obsessed with you. I mean who gave you permission? You know?

Hermione: No boyfriend. (reddens)

Jonathan: (squeals) Look at your ca-uuute little blush! You have the ca-uuuuutest blush. Who is he?

Hermione: He's...not my boyfriend. Just a boy I like.

Jonathan: Well, hunny, when I'm done with you, he won't be able to see anything but those gorgeous cheekbones and those Bambi brown eyes. Did you know that you have the ca-uuuuuutest eyes? They're seriously so cute.

Hermione: (reddening. Obviously pleased) Really?

Jonathan: Hunny. You are like...ga-orgeous. Like, the only reason Draco was so mean to you is because he's like totally after your body.

Hermione: (grimacing) He is not.

Jonathan: Uh. Yeah he is. (fluffs her hair) So like, I'm definitely seeing that you have some dryness. I think you're using the wrong shampoo. For thick, gorgeous hair like yours, you totally have to use something gentle on the scalp, because a lot of the shampoos out there are drying AF. And we don't want that.

Hermione: (intrigued) Really?

Jonathan: And I definitely think you're overcompensating by using too much conditioner. Tell me you don't wash your hair every day.

(cuts to Hermione in front of camera)

Hermione: So, apparently, I suck at being a girl. I didn't know any of this stuff. (eyes harden) Why does Draco Malfoy know all of this and I don't?

(cuts to Jonathan cutting her hair)

Jonathan: So, you're like this super genius, fierce warrior princess, and I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed. But I just want you to know that it's okay to have like a relationship with yourself. It's not vanity, it's self-care. Do you know what I mean? Like...it doesn't mean you're stupid or you're vain or whatever if you take a little moment for yourself every day and really care a little about how you present yourself to the world.

(cuts to Hermione in front of camera. She is crying)

Hermione: I just.... (wipes eyes) I think I need to hang out with more girls. (blows nose) Or at least gays.