Quietly Brave: A Social Anxiety Memoir

♡ My Social Anxiety Triggers - Pt 1 - Going to Uni/Work & Making Friends ♡

Now that you know a little bit about my childhood and school life, you know that I was a shy, socially withdrawn young girl who was always daydreaming in school and held a novel in her hand like it was her lifeline.

I appreciated and relished the moments I spent alone. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely...always remember that! I crave time by myself and need it to recharge, which is essentially the textbook definition of an introvert.

Being 23 years old now and an official 'adult' by society's standards, all the small things seem like daunting missions when you have social anxiety. The fact is, social tasks are inevitable in adult life. When you struggle with these tasks, you're essentially struggling with everyday life.

That's why social anxiety is so pervasive and debilitating. It undermines your ability to become an adult. You don't feel like you're truly an adult. I know I still feel young. Between my creative mind and social anxiety, I often get described as childish.

Many 'non-socially anxious' people like my family or friends will scoff or even laugh at me. Or they call me "childish" because I fear these things.

"Oh, you're so childish!"

"You're being stupid!"

"Stop being silly!"

And my personal favourite:

"Just grow up!"

Right now, let's get rid of the stigma that social anxiety/generalised anxiety is childish. Anxiety is a mental health disorder and should be recognised as such.

There's a lack of understanding and knowledge on what it is and how it affects one's behaviour.

This is why I've never spoken much about what makes me anxious. I didn't want to be judged so I feel like here is the best place to open up.

GOING TO UNIVERSITY AND MAKING FRIENDS

After my high school experience of achieving average grades and reading so many books during lunch that my school librarians were impressed, I started university in 2016. I embarked on a degree to become an accountant. Studying accountancy was a stark contrast to the creative wiring of my brain.

For the record, I had applied for various other degrees like business and -wait for it - psychology (hilarious I know, since I have been diagnosed with social anxiety. Don't get me started on the irony). However, accounting was the one I was selected for. Thankful just to have the privilege of getting into university, I did what other millennials would do and went with the flow.

People saw a young girl going to university and pursuing a highly successful career but I kept wondering whether I was smart enough to study accounting. Didn't you have to be a math genius to study accounting?

Anxiety creates so much inner doubt and turmoil. The term "imposter syndrome" comes to mind. As mentioned in the previous chapter, it is a form of self-sabotage. It's like you count yourself out of the race without giving yourself the chance to run. You think you won't be good enough so you avoid and forfeit it, to avoid the embarrassment you will feel if you fail.

I'm so proud that despite failing three subjects, I've just finished my degree four years later! The key word is: Try.

Oh, no I'm not smart enough.

Just try.

We are so scared. We crave perfection and want to appear so competent that we're afraid to try.

So what if you try and fail? I failed a few subjects but then I tried again and overcame them. I know that's easier said in Australia because you don't have to pay your uni fees upfront (the debt gets deferred until you start earning a certain income, then it gets taken out of your salary). So I acknowledge that not everyone has the privilege to have several attempts at something.