Quietly Brave: A Social Anxiety Memoir

♡Dating Pt 2 - Kissing (eek!) & Valentines Day ♡

Now that I was comfortable with embarking on "first" dates with a guy, I was in no means prepared for a more long-term dating experience. Mentally, I still had another life lesson to learn.

LESSON 2: I NEEDED TO FEEL OKAY ON MY OWN

[THE GUY I KNEW FOR 3 MONTHS]

Now with a different guy, let's call him Matt, we had been on 5 dates and things were looking great. He met alot of the requirements I had been looking for, like he had a stable job as an accountant was a few years older than me. At the 3 month mark, he expressed that he liked me. He held my hand and we had kissed. My first ever kiss! It wasn't what books cracked it up to be (it was wet and awkward but let's change the subject before I gross you out too much. Side note from future Katerina: This lack of desire for kissing, in hindsight, was probably me being asexual. But baby me writing this didn't know that yet!)

On our sixth date on Valentine's Day, I went to dinner with Matt. Initially, I was fine with Matt because it wasn't serious but now that we had kissed, this meant that we were physically closer and affectionate on our dates, it created this invisible pressure for me.

I wanted things to continue to be smooth-sailing and happy and fun. The closer we became and the more he expressed that he liked me, the more anxious I got. See, it wasn't that I liked him back romantically. It was the fact that he liked me and I had to continue to be likeable and easy going so he would continue to like me. I am 100% a people pleaser. Now looking back, that is totally unfair. I should have been honest with him.

On Valentines, I had the naïve expectation that even though we were dating, I thought maybe he'd want to make it official. You know, boyfriend/girlfriend stuff.

Eating our dinner, amongst our chatter and descent into a serious topic, he said "Don't take this the wrong way but I'm not looking for a relationship right now and to give it a couple more dates to see."

My stomach sunk and my appetite ceased. Well, it ceased more than it usually would. I wasn't good enough for him to see a future with me! Even though before he was acting all lovey-dovey and kissing me and now he had gone cold. Excusing myself to the thankfully empty bathroom, the food in my stomach churned warningly. (It was salmon by the way; another side note: don't have salmon on a date. Thank me later!)

Man, did that rejection hurt. Tears pricked my eyes and once again, I found myself staring into the bathroom mirror and doing some serious soul-searching.

I know, me staring into a mirror is a common theme in this book. Thankfully no one else stumbled into the bathroom to see me making awkward, prolonged eye contact with myself.

On a serious note, it had hit me just how much my anxiety created this dependency and clinginess within me that deterred others.

I felt like I had to prove myself to everyone. I was just a flicker of potential after all. I needed to be perfect.

I needed to be the perfect potential-girlfriend.

To be the perfect daughter.

To be the perfect employee.

My bloodshot eyes peered at me from the mirror. I was far, far from perfect.

Somehow I pulled myself together and got back the Valentine's dinner we were having but it was a somber and weird mood. I was picking at my food (unable to eat the rest of my food) whilst the thought "Well, if he's not ready for a relationship right now...then what are we?" bounced around in my head. Was he just too afraid to break it off with me? I felt like I was in some weird limbo. My self-esteem was at a new low.

That rejection for a committed relationship was a blessing in disguise for me. Days after, I thought more about the situation. I did truly like the guy but my eagerness to leap into it would have been me reaffirming my anxious mind and not giving me the chance to change my own beliefs first. I didn't have to be perfect. I didn't have to make this guy like me. I called him and expressed that I had fun on our dates but I didn't see this going anywhere either and we both agreed. This dating experience was a blesssing in disguise and it gave me some great content for my memoir too. This was my character development.

I needed to feel good about myself without external validation from him. I need to feel okay being on my own.

I don't know if a guy will always be in my life but you know the person that will always be there with you? Who truly knows just how amazing, flawed, talented, funny and kind you are?

You do.

Anxiety creates what I call the "Damsel-in-distress mindset"; fear, self-doubt, wanting attention and affirmations and desperate for it. Anxiety always gives you the feeling like you need reassurance so for having a guy "rescue you", that is, swooping into your life, feels like a lifeline and the best thing to ever happen to you. So you cling on naturally.

I learnt firsthand just how dangerous that is.

I shouldn't worry or stress about becoming a priority for him. I needed to prioritize myself. I shouldn't feel like my aim was to make him like me and show him how perfect I was.

It's as if there's this void within you that you hope someone else will fill. You have to fill it yourself. Fill it with pursuing your hobbies, spending time with family and friends, fill it up with things that are meaningful to you and bring you joy. Writing is one of them for me. These fulfilling moments will become the metaphorical armor for you; it will give you strength.

Quick mantras:

✔️ What he's looking for in a partner might not be what I'm looking for in a partner.

✔️I feel okay being by myself.

✔️I should never people-please.

✔️I will fill up my time with my family, friends and hobbies.

✔️I will invest in my friendships and new experiences.

✔️ If I don't hear from him, it's not the end of the world. It will not impact my own self-worth.

Feel free to share your dating experiences or favourite mantras here!