I'll Wait (Camren)

The Reunion

Last week I performed in Cleveland for the Reputation tour and the only thing I've seen on twitter since then is this video of me talking and looking angry backstage. I don't specifically remember being angry that day but watching that video and seeing all the captions made me realize something. I don't remember being angry that day because I've been constantly angry for the last two years, ever since it was decided that I would leave Fifth Harmony.

I didn't have much of a say in me leaving the group. The other girls practically turned against me and soon enough they decided it would be best if I left. I completely disagreed and tried to change their minds but soon enough it was settled. I would leave the group officially in a year's time.

I've had a much harder time moving on from the group than I thought I would. Although the last year of us being a group the other four girls practically ignored me, it didn't change how much I cared for and loved all of them. Okay, maybe some days I felt like I hated them for how blatantly they avoided me but deep down I knew I could never hate them.

Ever since I lost my best friends I haven't had anyone who I feel comfortable talking to about my feelings so instead I just journal... a lot. I whipped out my journal and flipped through looking for an empty page. Most of the entries are about Fifth Harmony in one way or another. Every time I start journaling I find myself writing about my ex-bandmates. Sometimes I reminisce and relive some of our memories together, other times I rant about how much I miss them, there are even a couple pages filled with large writing describing how angry I am at the girls, the label, but ultimately at myself. I stopped at a page in the middle of the small blue notebook and read through an entry about one of my favorite memories with the group.

September 20, 2017

I can't stop thinking about the time the group surprised me for my 16th birthday a couple of years ago. It was the first birthday I spent with the girls and I didn't expect anything big. Lauren wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate but we ended up at the beach where the rest of the girls were waiting to surprise me. They had set up a picnic and we spent hours hanging out on the beach just talking, eating, and goofing around. After we finished stuffing our faces with pizza and ice cream we wandered over to the shore and let our feet get splashed by the waves. I remember so vividly what each of the girls said down by the shore.

"Mila, I just wanted to say that I am so glad that you are a part of my life," Dinah began, as we walked along the shore. "You're my best friend and I couldn't imagine my life without you... or your terrible jokes," she chuckled before returning to a sentimental tone and continuing. " I know I don't tell you this enough but I'm so thankful for you and I treasure our friendship more than anything in this world..." Dinah glanced around at the other girls before adding, "besides the group of course because without it I wouldn't have met you. I wouldn't have met any of you and my life would suck without you guys. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you Mila. Happy birthday," the tallest girl ended and stopped walking in order to wrap me in her arms.

I remember being on the verge of tears  already while I hugged my best friend but little did I know that was just the beginning of the sentimental speeches.

Next to speak up was Ally. "I'm thankful for you too, Camila. I know were aren't the closest out of the group but you're always there for me whenever I need cheering up. So just thanks for being my friend. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. Happy birthday, I love you!" Ally moved past Dinah to hug me.

I hadn't spoken yet because I was afraid that if I did I wouldn't be able to hold back my tears so I just waited for someone else to break the silence as Ally pulled back from our embrace. The girls didn't say much but I'd never heard them speak so meaningfully before so it meant a lot to me.