Random Thoughts

Unforeseen help

This is a follow up on the chapter before this one, "My truth about suicide" which isn't posted anymore, but I hope you'll continue reading anyway.

I told you my truth about suicide, but the thing is that you don't stop feeling dead inside just by deciding to live. You don't get better just by deciding to live for others. And while I like to say that I can handle myself quite well by now, I am also aware that I couldn't have done it without the right people along the way. I was lucky there, because if I look back on the years, I can point out seven people of which I am convinced that they saved my life. Most of them without really knowing.

The first I'd have to point out loved and protected me while always being there for me. Sometimes it felt like we spent all night sorting things out. You made me feel safe, because I knew you'd always stand up for me, no matter what and that gave me strength. If you ever read this then you probably already know that you are part of my lifeline.

The second allowed me to be somebody I'd never met before. Accepting me without judgement or prejudice. You allowed me to tap into something I didn't know existed. I never stopped loving you like my sister even though we aren't related. You are beautiful, you know that right?

The third initiated a coping mechanism that I've relied on ever since and was the first to repeatedly remind me of the importance of a smile. You were an ass at the time and still managed to help me. No wonder I questioned whether you were really human ;)

The fourth taught me more about myself than either of us could ever have imagined. I had the time of my life with you and I'm sorry that I was not the right person for you. I couldn't change you like you changed me. But I hope that one day you can move on from all the guilt that's eating at you on the inside. You have a good heart. Thank you for everything.

The last three were all my mentors. The three of them took the time to figure me out and after a year of being in their care they got me to reconsider some things I never thought to question. I hope to one day see you all again and be able to thank you properly.

For me, the healing process started with being told that I needed to change my attitude towards life. That I needed to stop being a pessimist. This came from my mentors and naturally I didn't believe it at first. I'd always thought I was a realist and didn't believe that I could change even if it was true.

But guess what? I managed and it didn't take for forever. In fact, it took me only a little over a year before I started feeling more optimistic and generally happier. During that year I was glad to have Person Two by my side and Person Three teaching and reminding me.

What I didn't manage to get rid of so "easily" was the hate I still harboured towards myself. It seems stupid now, but I thought it would go away by itself or that I could just live with it. This time no one told me that there was something that needed to be done. Yet I was still lucky, because I had someone to get me out of the worst period of it. Person Four gave me a lot to hold on to. Most importantly he gave me hope and a completely new perspective of myself.

However, it was the decision of two people that really allowed me to stop despising myself. Both of them left. The one person hasn't been mentioned in this text, simply because this person was doing the opposite from those that I have mentioned. The second one is Person Four (again). I only managed to make myself my own priority after both of them left. So by now, I dare to say that I don't hate myself anymore. In a weird way I've learnt that my view of myself is distorted and have come to respect what others see in me. I might not always understand it or like it, but the more I hear things the less I question it.

My goal is currently to get to know myself and to love myself the best I can. If you ask me, those are two of the most difficult things to accomplish. So maybe I'll never be at the point where I truly believe that I love myself. But I think that I can go a long way just by continuously reminding myself.

I speak of 9 (or even 10) years of depression, but I do not see myself as a depressed person. I can get overwhelmed and I do fall back into the pattern of depression on occasion, but it's never what it once was. An important thing was to start recognising it, so sometimes I manage to snap out of it pretty quickly (with or without the help of others) and sometimes there's nothing I can do but to "sit it out".

A strange thing I've come to rely on is that no matter how I feel at the moment, as long as I can still smile I know that I can carry on. And it doesn't matter how sad that smile is or whether tears are steadily flowing down my cheeks. Maybe it sounds completely crazy to you, but I've managed both.