Random Thoughts

A summary of 2019

What a year...

It feels like a lot has changed in a short amount of time. I fell in love, went through two break ups, got fired for the first time, started studying, met a whole bunch of new people, made new friends and went through several phases of depression.

In January 2019 I went through the first break up of that year. I was ghosted by my boyfriend at the end of December, but the truth only really settled in by the end of January.
I'd also started working in a hospital at the beginning of the New Year. The job was actually quite simple, I had to ask patients what their choice of food was for the next couple of meals and bring them the food they'd asked for. However, the company didn't see me fit to work in that position and fired me after a month probation. I didn't really mind, because it felt strange to spend all of 10h shifts thinking about food and still think about (my own) food every break I got. I didn't know if I could do that for several months.
Luckily I had kept my side job hanging up jackets for an event company, because at the end of January I decided I needed to go back to Japan. I planned to go there by myself and spent most of the months until then just getting by with the side job and helping out at my dad's.
In between I was informed that I got the internship I had hoped for and with it the go ahead to start studying (I was only allowed to start studying if I had an internship).
February, March and April passed in a blur and then May finally came around. Going to Japan for the second time was great. I knew that I could get by with my very basic Japanese knowledge and loved trying to converse with people. Even though I sometimes really struggled to get going in the morning, I had lots of small successes that I like to think back on.
Coming back home was difficult though. The reason I hadn't tried to work in the months before going to Japan was because I didn't know what I could do and didn't think anyone would take me since I had planned to go away again. The months after were no different. I didn't know what kind of a job to look for, because I had worked in different fields the year before. Just trying out different jobs that I could do without many qualifications. In the end nothing I had tried seemed to suit me at all and that made it more difficult to motivate myself to try and find something. My mental health suffered during that time and I knew, but I made the mistake of thinking I would be fine once classes started.

In the time until my preparation classes started, I fell in love again. And when I struggled to adjust to my new environment (the tight curriculum and the amount of new people all at once), I relied on him. In hindsight this is what I believe made us fall apart (or at least part of the reason). Because while I relied on him I forgot to rely on all the other coping mechanisms I had developed whilst on my own. In other words: I went down the rabbit hole with my depression and it took quite some time for me to realise it. And then some more to start getting back on my feet properly. By the end of November our ways parted and while I am thankful that he stayed just long enough to see me through the worst of it, a part of me will continue to be angry at him and myself for another while.
Of course it wasn't just him who helped me a lot. I owe a lot to my classmates who built me up and tirelessly explained whenever something was unclear. We met on a lot of Sundays to study, because we just couldn't fit everything into five days. Then finally, the results of my first couple of exams rolled in and it turned out that I did pretty well despite everything.
Finally, Christmas and New Year's Eve kind of jumped on me. Both nights were enjoyable, but they came and left in a flash. In between I made the choice to resign from my side job. It had become a regular stress factor due to my boss putting me up to work just before my exams again and again. I wound up sick the next day twice and had to write more than half of my exams with a cold (in total I had seven exams before new year).

Now writing in 2020, I still don't have a plan for this year. What I have, are things that I would like to do with too little time and too few savings. But the goal of 2020 will be to learn how to properly deal with the stress I have due to school and/or reduce it. For now, I'll just have to wait and see what happens.