Special Handling (manxman)

Chapter 28

Chapter 28

Benji

As much as I portray myself as happy Benji. Outgoing Benji. Gay, comfortable with myself Benji. The truth is, I spend a lot of time being scared Benji. Scared that people won't accept me. They'll judge me. They'll find me lacking in some way. I think the front I put on is to protect my fragile ego. If they think I'm happy it might come across as confidence and they'll think I'm just fine with myself and everything I do.

I figured this out when I was in middle school. If the bullies smell fear, they'll eat you up, they'll prey on you. So the trick is to not let them see your fear. Coming out as gay, was the ultimate test. I had to make sure they knew I wasn't scared and I was comfortable just as I was. I created this front, it was like a protective shield.

But like all things you have to hold up, a protective shield can get exhausting. You get to a point where you can't hold it up anymore and you need to find a safe place where you're accepted. More than that, where you're accepted and taken care of. Cherished, nurtured - hell, even doted on.

I found that in the scene. I found it in submission. Walking into the club that first time and then after speaking with Master Phillip, I knew this was where I belonged and that feeling of acceptance was like having a 500-pound pack taken off your shoulders. It was freeing and exhilarating.

People often think it's all about the whips and the leather. But that's all schtick. No, that's not being fair. It's like in anything, the leather is the uniform or badge. The whips are like a Dom's sword, wielding it gives them strength and power. The Doms give their sub pleasure and pain - the ultimate control. But focusing on the pain, is a rookie mistake in the scene. It's just the easiest way for people who aren't in the scene, to justify their distaste for something different. It's used as a catch-all way of condemning it. It's funny, it's just those people outside of the scene who find so many other ways to wield pain, real pain – not pain for pleasure. They're just more discreet, hidden behind self-justification and misguided religion.

Look at my parents. They spent years bickering and fighting - wielding pain in much less healthy ways than D/s partners. I'd rather get spanked by my Dom, who, once I've taken my punishment then forgives me and moves on, then be in a "normal" relationship where couples hold resentment, don't communicate or miscommunicate and treat each other like crap in passive-aggressive ways of punishing their partner for things their partner may not even realize they did wrong.

The world is fucked up, but in a healthy D/s relationship, things are clear. A Dom knows what their sub needs, a sub knows what to expect and knows their needs will be fulfilled, even if the sub doesn't know how to express them that well. A good Dom takes the time to know and understand their sub, observes their reactions in addition to speaking with them, to help their sub understand their needs. Most importantly, a good Dom accepts their submissive, that's really all anyone needs at the end of the day, isn't it? Acceptance?

I'm not saying that a D/s relationship is better than a vanilla relationship. I'm just saying it works for some people better. It works for me. Right now, at this point in my life, it works for me.

That being said, they're not perfect and things get derailed in all types of relationships. I just needed some guidance to figure out how to get back. Which is why I was sitting outside on a bench spilling my guts to Jamie...or at least some of them.

"Are you sure you're not just overreacting Benj?"

"Thanks, Jamie, your support is overwhelming," I replied sarcastically. Granted, I didn't tell her everything that happened, just that the night sucked, Ajax basically ignored me and then I told him I wasn't moving in with him. Shit, when I say it like that, it seems really tit for tat. Maybe I did overreact?