Still Waters Run Deep

Chapter 15: Personal Demons

Chapter 15:

Personal Demons

When Emily had started the search for the other driver she had never dreamed it would turn into a life or death situation for her. But she had unfortunately gotten herself in too deep to get out of it now, nor was she ready to give up, because she could taste how close she was to ending it. She knew she had whoever it was running scared. Otherwise, why would they try to silence her? According to Maurice, whoever this person was had been keeping tabs on her since the wreck. Maybe even before. Somehow it had gone from a simple investigation to a cat and mouse game. This had become about more than just finding the other driver. Now it was about survival.

There was an odd sort of tranquility Emily felt knowing she could die at any moment. It took her out of the reality of pain she was trying to push through and gave her something else to think about. It woke her up. It gave her something to fight other than her own demons. In some weird screwed up way, knowing about the threat to her life made her feel more alive. Because it meant she was close to getting answers for herself and for her family. She was close to putting her grief to rest. And she felt like if she could do that she could move forward.

But until then, she knew she needed her focus to be on Alison and Lily and what they needed. Because she'd gotten so wrapped up in chasing a ghost that she'd nearly pushed away the people she loved the most in her life. She wanted to make sure that Ali and Lily didn't take on any more of her pain. All three of them dealt with their emotions in very different ways, and Emily wanted to make sure she wasn't making it harder on her wife and her daughter.

She knew Ali was worried about her, and Emily was determined to find a way to ease her concerns and to help Ali and Lily through their grief without tearing open the wounds she was trying to let heal. She'd talked to both of them at length about how she was there for them and about how their feelings were important, but she had completely shut herself off from her own emotions, with good reason. Because if she let that unspeakable amount of pain in she wasn't sure she'd be able to come back from it. She'd come back from a lot in her life, but having Grace's life slip through her fingers was more than just a blow to her heart. It was an atomic bomb engulfing her soul. The last thing she wanted to do was detonate that bomb.

But she knew she had to find a balance between her pain and her family's pain. Because she wasn't the only one hurting. She wasn't the only one who had flashbacks to the night Grace died. All three of them had bad dreams, and just like in their waking state, the way they dealt in their nightmares differed. Lily whined, Ali cried, and Emily screamed.

Emily and Ali had both seen Lily squirm around and whimper in her sleep enough to recognize that she was holding a lot in and it only came out when she dreamed about her sister. They took turns climbing in to bed with her when she had bad nights. Even when she was asleep, Lily could feel her mothers' presence and she'd settle immediately. When Ali held her she would wrap her arms around her in her unconsciousness. When Emily held her she'd curl into her body and nuzzle against her, knowing she would be safe from harm. Lily didn't talk to Ali or Emily about her dreams, but Emily could see the sadness in her eyes.

Emily knew that Ali's nightmares not only consisted of losing Grace, but nearly losing her, too. Sometimes Ali dreamed about seeing Grace's body in the hospital and sometimes she dreamed about Emily dying, too. Emily could always tell the difference by the tones of her cries. She'd had to pull Ali into her arms more than once when she was asleep and talk her down from her crying. Ali would usually wake up as soon as she felt Emily's touch and heard her voice.

She knew that her own nightmares had taken their toll on Ali. She knew it was hard for Ali to see her thrash around and hear her crying while kicking and scratching at the sheets. The nights when she yelled were the hardest. Because Ali couldn't do anything to wake her, so all she could do was muffle her screams and stroke her face and tell her everything was going to be okay.