A/N: I wrote this when I was at a church summer camp. It's pretty self-explanatory when you read it. Also, the voice that I mentioned was something that I had in seventh grade that's also pretty self-explanatory, and I don't really want to explain it (if ya know what I mean). Also, I replaced names with letters to respect those peoples' privacy.
The voice has been gone for a really long time. Sure, I may hear certain remarks every now and then, but it's not significantly and constantly in my head like it used to be. I've felt... uncomfortable since I've been in girl's camp. It's like I can't be myself. I'm pansexual. They're straight. All of them. I almost feel ashamed to be who I am. It's like I'm suffocating in a sea of straightness and I can't escape. I know without a doubt I like all genders/sexes, and it hurts that I can't advocate that and be accepted.
This is where the voice comes in.
Why can't you just be straight?
Because I'm not.
Why can't I be accepted?
Because you're a disgrace and a mistake.
It almost comes to the point where I feel ashamed for being pansexual.
My own parents thought I didn't know what I was talking about when they read it.
I hate it. I hate being closeted. But I think I'd hate being alienated more than staying in the closet. At least the pain is only inward if I stay in the closet. I'm okay with being accepted for who I'm not if they can't accept who I am.
Another thing: why am I being tortured by all these great girls in camp? They are all so perfect but straight (I'm sure of it). I hate crushes.
I wish I was straight at this point. I wish my sexuality was "normal". At least my brother supports me. I'm so used to feeling secretly comfortable and accepted that I forgot what it was like to feel personally and individually ridiculed and ruled out without anyone knowing. I wish I could just be comfortable in my own skin. I wish I had M or J or even N to come and tell me it's okay. It's okay to be pansexual. It's okay to want love. It's okay to love. I could really use that confirmation. But I know that's not going to happen. So being falsely accepted is okay for now. I'll be okay for now.
YOU ARE READING
cluttered book thingy
RandomI had some logs published in my book "Just... Thinking", but I decided that I should make a book out of it. The logs will consist of the following: VERY cluttered thoughts, sad thoughts, possibly stories, and much venting. If any of those appeal to...
