G E O R G E

Seventeen: She Made Me Feel Stuff

T U E S D A Y | A U G U S T
George:

I DON'T know how I was able to keep my cool around Mila that afternoon and all this morning but I somehow, magically managed.

That doesn't mean I'm not dying of guilt over here.

To be clear I am.

I really do feel horrible about it. She didn't ask for this and she trusted me. She told me about her past life, her personal issues. I lied to her.

I know the topic didn't really surface, or else I would have remembered sooner. But I wish, I pray, that if I think back enough there will something that helps me along the way. Something that helps me break the news to her more easily.

What if she hates me forever? I'm going to be stuck with these feelings for her and she won't want anything to do with me. There was such a bad feeling in my stomach.

Feelings for her.

Oh god. I'm suck a jerk aren't I? I wasn't even paying attention to what she was saying. I was just thinking about how I'm going to tell her. Hoping she will forgive me and hear me out. I mean does it count if we had a huge fight we're technically spilt up. I mean, the next time I saw her I had my mind set on breaking up with her.

".....what do you think?" I looked up at her starring at me, waiting for my to respond. I didn't hear much of what she said. "George?"

"Sorry, I didn't hear you." She frowned and ran a hand through her peach hair. The bad feeling in my stomach grew. I hate it when she frowns. And this time I'm the reason for it.

"Are you okay, George?" She asked putting a soft hand on mine. I hated that I liked that, that it made me feel better. It shouldn't. I'm a cheater. "George?"

"I have a girlfriend."

Fuck, I couldn't control it. My guilt was eating me alive and I just blurted it out. My eyes snapped back to my lap, I didn't, I couldn't look at her. I kept my eyes fixed on my lap but I could tell she was upset because her hand left mine.

Of course she's upset.

It was silent. Too silent. I dare looking up, checking that she was actually still there. She was and I regretted looking at her. Her facial expression was filled with hurt, confusion, anger. Mine was full of guilt, guilt and more guilt.

"What?" She breathed. I gulped. Oh god. Oh god. She opened her mouth and then closed it again, swallowing, presumably, a lump in her throat as licked her lips and scratched the back of her neck. "Please, George, tell me I just misheard you."

"I... I can't."

She stood so fast, faster than I thought possible with a heavy plaster cast on her left leg, grabbed her crutches from the ground and headed for the door.

"Mila, wait please." I begged. I had thrown the covers off me, but stopped when I remembered I still had this fucking chest tube in me. Damnit. "Let me explain, please, let—"

"Explain? You expect me to want to listen to you explain why you decided to tell me you have a girlfriend after we kissed and practically admitted feelings for each other?!" I have heard Mila's voice in many forms. Sad, happy, disappointed, scared. Nothing could have prepared me for the anger in her voice, the pure venom that spilled out of the sounds she made. "I think I've got it covered, George. I can't believe— why would you do this to me?"

"I didn't mean to," I utter quickly and solemnly. She raised her eyebrows and then furrowed them into a tight knit in the middle of her forehead. "I swear, I—" I paused. "Her name's Genevieve. We've known each other since junior year. Dated since senior. She is bipolar, so often she got distant, usually because of falling into a depressed state. So when she got distant around graduation that was a few months away I didn't think anything of it. It's stressful, with exams, picking a collage. Especially for her."

"She came back, just like always, but it wasn't long until she cut herself out of the picture again slowly, so slowly I didn't even realize. Not until too late, not until July. It had been four months until I spoke to her again. Then we fought; a lot." I gritted my teeth at the thought of that fight. How angry I felt. How she was doing this over the phone. "There was a lot of screaming, a lot of anger and tension that we never used to have between each other. She tried turning the tables on me, saying I was to blame when I had called and texted about a hundred times."

"Then I thought I'd finally gotten the truth out of her, she finally explained her absence. She said her grandmother from California died, that she was at the funeral. I felt bad, I explained that I would have come with her and supported her. That she should have just told me sooner. I shouldn't have believed it, and it turned out to be a lie. Then I went over, to her house and confronted her face to face."

"I didn't go well, we yelled at each other like never before. It scared me how distant we grew. We didn't agree on anything, and I was too blinded by anger and heartbreak to calm down and try to have a civilized conversation. She tried putting all the blame on me again. She tried to say I was the one who left, who became closed off, who became a different person. She kept refusing to tell me. So I assumed that she was cheating. I shouldn't have assumed, she said no but a apart of me still thinks she is."

Mila stayed quiet, but she was now sitting back in her chair, listening intently. I sent her a soft smile to her which I knew she couldn't help but return.

"Remember when we first met?" I smiled wider at the memory. It was only a month and a few weeks ago I think. It feels like a long time. "You asked about my lip ring. Sometimes I forget it's even there I'm so used to it now. When I first got it, it was different, it was a change, a distraction. A distraction from all of the things going wrong in my life." Mila was sitting a little closer now. She hadn't said anything but she didn't need to. Her face said it all. She was no longer mad at me. She was mad at Genevieve. "I'd been recovering from a collapsed lung, dealing with the neglect of my father and sudden downhill to a relationship, and the change distracted me. But I grew accustom to it quickly."

"That's when you came in, you were a change, I didn't know you, it was like I had a second chance to build a new friendship in replace of the relationship falling apart. But you were more than a replacement. So much more than that. You understand me and I understand you."

"Mila, you really were a friend, and now I really do like you, hell, I'd thought you were gorgeous since day one. I would have told you about her only if I had remembered her  I know that sounds horrible but it's true. I never intended to hurt you. I'm sorry." I finish off the whole apology/explanation speech and I thought I'd rendered Mila speechless. Then she took a breath and nodded.

"What made you forget her?"

"You."

****

word count: 1299
edited ✔️

hiya!
So, oof. George did a hell of a lot of talking but honestly I think I did it well. I didn't want you guys to have to only read 800 words. That's too short.
Anyways enjoy,

munsterli➰