Love in Darkness (Castles on the Sand 2)

Twenty-Four

My father chuckles. “Never got to hear you say that. Never saw you take your first steps or hear your first words. Never got to take you to school or coach you in sports.”

I shrug with shoulders stiff from disuse. “You know much about me?”

“Everything, buddy. I know how many times you’ve been to juvie and how many of your friends’ bones you’ve broken in fights. I know how dismal your school performance was. I know about the time on your mission when you had your psychotic break and took off in the Tokyo subway. I know it all, and I’m proud. Because I also know the hand you were dealt. No dad, a mentally ill mom, a system that failed you, people who wanted to see you put away. You overcame it all, and you’re a good man, Alex. A great man. I’d count myself lucky to have a friend like you, let alone a son.” There’s no hint of a falsity in his tone. His gaze is earnest and sincere.

Which is the last thing I expect from someone like him. As I understand it, fathers are the ones who discipline and get disappointed.

“Yeah, you don’t have the highest opinion of yourself, do you?” he says.

“I dunno.”

“Well, I do. Listen to me, I know why you’re here, all right?”

“Because I’m a headcase.”

“That helps, but you’re hiding. You’ve buried yourself so deep in your psyche that you hope they never find you. The mental illness? You got that from your mom, but the real reason you’re here is because of something you inherited from me.”

“What’s that?”

He raises one eyebrow in a gesture I’ve seen a thousand times in the mirror, and pauses a moment. “How you love. The way you give yourself over completely, heart and soul. The way you care so much that the thought of feeling that vulnerable for the rest of your life is terrifying. I know how that goes, okay? I do. There was this girl once, beautiful, intelligent, and schizophrenic. I loved her with all my being, and I always will. Took me forever to get her to wear my ring, she was so sure I’d give up on her once I knew about her condition, and hers was a bad one, too. Not just mild hallucinations, but full blown psychosis that would last for weeks. What she didn’t understand was, it was worth it to endure all of that with her for just the minutes and hours I’d get to spend with the real person inside. I’m not sure she ever believed me. Now, that sound familiar?”

I run my fingers through my hair. “Madison can do better.”

“Can she? Listen, don’t ever be ashamed of how deep your feelings are. That’s a gift, and you’d be surprised how rare it can be. No one’s ever going to make that girl feel like she’s the center of the universe – and you won’t either if you don’t make a move and let her know that what she suspects about you is the truth. That you pushed her away out of love, and that you break down whenever you see her because you want her so bad, and that you don’t believe it’d be possible to have her. Alex, wake up and face your life.”

The pain in my chest sharpens. “I don’t know if I can.” I shut my eyes. “Dad? Was she even here? Or am I dreaming her?”

No reply. When I open my eyes, the room’s empty. I lift a hand and rub my forehead. That, I have to admit, was intense. I feel the beginnings of a headache.

The room is silent though. No voices. No whisperings. The air doesn’t shimmer and there don’t seem to be any otherworldly beings drifting around. I’ve gone from delusional to grounded in the space of a second, which is weird. It’s also weird how lucid I felt during that delusion, and how the memory of it makes me feel at peace, and not all torn up inside, even though I saw the father I never knew.