Sunshine // 햇빛 // Yoongi x Hoseok

v. piano & coffee // 피아노와 커피는

[hoseok's pov; gangnam health clinic; monday]

it's 10 o'clock. the ticking of the clock is ambient. white walls. white ceiling. plants all over the room. the familiar smell of coffee. the feeling of soft sofa cushions. and a serious lady in her 30s with a pencil skirt, a button-up, round glasses, and a journal resting in her pale hands.

this is a usual monday for me.

"what's been on your mind lately, mr. jung?"

here it was: the same question, just like every week. i closed my eyes, sighing from the phrase. i hear it every time i come here, and it's annoying; not in the sense of the therapist repeating it every monday but rather in the sense of my inability to really answer it, since i can't grasp the answers.

it's not something you can say surely, like when you're talking random crap to your co-workers during a lunch break at work just to keep a conversation going, so that you wouldn't be seen as rude.

thoughts corrupt the mind on a daily basis. they create a maze that probably has a shrine of real happiness hidden in its clutches somewhere. but you can't reach it.

every step you take makes your mind fog up with a dark mist, making it difficult for you to move forward. you get frustrated because of its ability to interfere with your everyday life and hold you back. you keep that ball of unexplainable pain to yourself, while the darkness tortures you. what's the catch? there isn't one. "you just have to keep going" people say, not knowing how easy it is to say those words, when words cannot explain the maze in your mind.

the maze in your mind is something that takes a long time to explore and most of the time you feel stuck in one place, while everything around you is moving; you become static; the black & white in a colorful mess which is all blurry to you.

you feel suffocated. yet you continue on with it all, clutching onto pills that are supposed to help you, and going to therapy appointments every now and then, so that a person with a medical degree could sigh in both relief and disappointment -- you're alive yet on the edge of lifelessness; a frozen body without a shining soul.

i come here with hopes of finding the energy to reach that hidden light in my seemingly unsolvable maze. i want to be guided back to who i was.

but i can't seem to do that. and that's what annoys me.

"a lot of things" i finally answer, keeping my eyes closed and feeling the fan beside me blowing gusts of air into my face.

"how's your medication going?" her calm voice reaches me again, as the woman taps the paper with her elegant looking pen.

i stay seated without moving, throwing my head back and letting my arms relax, dwelving in the softness of this white, cushion filled sofa.

"well... it's been like any medication i've taken before" i answer, sighing. "it's just a bottle of pills, it won't change anything".

"it does have an effect, mr. jung. have your sleeping problems gotten better?" she asks again, fixing her round glasses and looking up at me.

"well, they have but..." i say, hesitating on what to tell further, "sleeping isn't a problem at the moment. vivid images from the past  showing up during the daytime are".

the woman nods, writing something down in her journal with a slight worry flooding her bright eyes, hidden behind her round glasses.

"i assume you had breakdowns? about your traum--"

"yes" i answer quickly, not wanting to hear that damn word in its full extent.

the dark-haired lady nods again, ticking something in her journal, with a concentrated look on her face.